Reality Bytes is on hiatus this week while I'm at home in Texas for my best friend's wedding, because my family does not own a DVR. (I know, I know. I've been suffering immensely.) Anyway, to satisfy your appetite for reality television, I've compiled the five dumbest competitive reality show gimmicks. Like the Bachelor's roses, except most people actually enjoy getting roses in real life — these trinkets are way less flattering and often cringe-worthy.
What about the people who say you’re not really bisexual—that you’re hetero and just pretending for the show? Care to set the record, uh, straight?
They can suck my dick.
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "I need everybody right now to look up to the ceiling. Just look up there, because I think the sprinkler system is gonna come off, that was so darn hot! That's what I'm talking about! Woo!" — Mary, So You Think You Can Dance
Tila Tequila, the STD-ridden reality show loser who does the GLBT community no favors, is clearly delusional. At last night's Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru, she announced that she played an integral part in California dropping the ban on gay marriage:
[The legalization of gay marriage] is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.
We're sure the Supreme Court took one look at Tila performing fellatio on a pickle and being passed around in a family hot tub orgy and thought, "You know what? This gay marriage stuff isn't so bad after all. Looks like good clean fun."
[Source]
I subjected myself to A Shot at Love 2 with Tila Tequila last night for the good of Reality Bytes, but by the time it was all over I was in the fetal position praying it was just a nightmare. It wasn't. The final four took Tila to their hometowns, where we learned that the desperate apple doesn't fall far from the famewhoring tree. One of the contestant's fathers got a little too excited while Tila performed fellatio on a pickle, and, at another house, one of the mothers showed her Gene Simmons-style tongue. Classy.
The most traumatizing visit was in New Jersey, where Tila convinced Jay's mom and step-mom to make out with each other. Then they showed their boobs to Tila like she was Joe Francis and they wanted a free T-shirt. To end the evening, the entire family gathered in the hot tub for a massive orgy. I wish I were kidding.
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "We have to educate him in this whole tabloidism." — Dina, Living Lohan
The MTV Movie Awards were held last night, and I admittedly couldn't bring myself to sit through the hours-long crapfest. Just by looking at the pictures (after the jump), it's obvious I didn't miss much.
Anyone care to share exciting stories from the show (if you decided to punish yourself last night)? CONTINUED »
For all three people who subject themselves to A Shot at Chlamydia with Tila Tequila every week, you might remember Chad, the same guy who was recently quoted in our prestigious Reality Bytes for his eloquent speech against gay marriage.
Well, Chad got himself into a little trouble on the show this week when he headbutted a fellow contestant, followed by a couple extra punches in the face for good measure. Naturally, he has taken to his MySpace to clear the air with what will surely be looked back upon as one of the century's greatest essays.
Maxim held its Hot 100 party last night in LA, which played host to many horny males hoping to score with desperate women. This event would have been the perfect time to lock everyone in and save the rest of the world from STDs.
After the jump: More pictures of "hot" people than you could ever ask for. CONTINUED »
Tila Tequila, unsuccessfully trying to convince us she is done with reality television:
I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big.
[Source]
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "Don't be a vulture, learn your culture." — Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love 3
Brandi Ryan, who appeared on the first season of bisexual dating show A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, was arrested last night in California on charges of felony possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Officers pulled over the car in which Brandi was a passenger for having illegal tinted windows. Upon searching the vehicle, Brandi tried to hide a meth pipe — in her crotch.
You can bet Tila is kicking herself for letting that one get away.
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "If Flav sends me home after everything … I'll sneak back into his house and snip off his testicles in the middle of the night." — Sinceer, Flavor of Love 3
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "If there's somebody there to help you through each thing, then who are you? Are you you? Or are you us? And then if you're us, then who the hell are we?" — Nicky2States, Miss Rap Supreme
• Somebody get the host of this show an Emmy! [DListed]
• A gossip magazine is reporting that Katie Holmes is sick and tired of gossip magazines reporting about her. [INO]
• Megan Fox is on the cover of Christopher Amueroso Presents Paw Print, posed with a real fox. Out of frame is the shark that she's jumped. Bye, Megan Fox. [HT]
• Orlando Brown, star of That's So Raven, has gone missing. [ICYDK]
• "Hot men who look like lesbians" [CityRag]
• George Clooney is tired, just like Leatherheads. Zing! [PS]
The clip originally attached to this post somehow – through the magic of the Internets – morphed from a slightly trashy music video into an extremely trashy gay orgy video. Sorry.
It looks like Tila Tequila – aptly named, as she makes most people sick – has graduated from bi-curious reality star to irrelevant pop star. Upgrade!
As one does when honing a flash-in-the-pan bubblegum career, Tequila has hastily thrown together a conservatively budgeted music video. Made for a song entitled "Stripper Friends," the video's concept is quite simple: Tila Tequila is a violent stripper. Anything to keep one's attention off the music, we suppose.
• Because, obviously, a $15,000 baby carriage covered in diamonds and precious metals would not be "retarded." Thanks, Kanye. [Jossip]
• Matt Lauer and Jessica Alba fight talk to the death. [EBG]
• They're still drinking iced coffees in LA. Sissies. [PS]
• It's called the Boyzilian because even though the people who do it have pubes, they're still not men. [DListed]
• Wanna know which people some people think were the worst dressed at the SAG Awards? No? Well, the option's there. [Yeeeah]
• Do they call her Tequila because she makes almost everyone sick? [HT]
• Thank goodness today's children are learning to excel at playing cover songs on toy guitars. Real guitars are too…real. [INO]
• Dr Drew sets everyone straight. [ICYDK]
Damning testimony in Page Six claims MySpace celebrity, VH1 oddity and abominable human being Tila Tequila is also a deceiver, toying with the hearts of the men and women vying for her love on her reality show, A Shot at Love.
Post sources say, for over a year, Tequila has been in a relationship with a man whom she has no plans of leaving, and they assert she's not even a bisexual but instead a straight woman!
On top of all that, people say she's a real pain in the ass on-set.
Counterpoint: "A rep for Tequila said, 'I'll confirm that she's bisexual and she's a delight to work with.'" Confirm away! Then put it on her MySpace.
Editor
