Britney Spears has been released from the hospital, and guess which vultures have already set up a live feed outside her house? We are convinced TMZ has a camera crew living in a tent across the street.
IN SICKNESS AND IN HELL The cadre of hyenas and pimps at TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears has started to undergo treatment for her litany of mental illnesses, the most dangerous being bipolar disorder. It's a major step for the starlet and it was not easily made: "Britney has seen doctors who have been referred by other doctors, plus doctors who have been referred by celebrities Britney knows, and doctors referred by her lawyers, family and friends. We're told the process has been excruciating for her, partly because her disease is severe." Of course, TMZ isn't about to let that "excruciating" pain get in the way of its cameras, which are currently broadcasting live from Spears' front door. Let the healing begin!
Two months after declaring plastic surgeon Jan Adams a "butcher" when his patient and Kanye West's mother, Donda West, died following a procedure, TMZ was today forced to print this:
The coroner says several things could have played a role in [Donda West's] death, but they could not say for sure what exactly killed her, adding there was no evidence that anesthesia — or even the surgery — caused or contributed to her death.
Besides publicly questioning his professional capabilities, TMZ also used their site to accuse Adams of being a sexual predator and a domestic abuser, and then they publicized his DUI arrest.
Now that he's been exonerated, in their one post on the matter (there were at least 10 degrading him), TMZ said only of Adams: "We've reported extensively that Donda West had cosmetic surgery the day before her death — performed by Dr. Jan Adams, who was not board certified in plastic surgery."
So, they shoot first and don't even ask questions later.
ASHES TO ASHES The scuzzy geniuses at TMZ have again scoffed at morality and are delivering a live feed from IKE TURNER'S FUNERAL. Thanks to them, from the discomfort of your cubicle, you can ogle the people who turn out to ogle Ike's dead body. Hurry and check it out before Levin et al get a conscience and shut off the camera. JUST KIDDING! Take your time.
SPOOKY BABY BORN The very pregnant, mildly disoriented Helena Bonham Carter has given birth to a healthy baby girl. Carter and husband Tim Burton aren't telling the media the baby's name. (Of course, the media probably shouldn't care.) In light of the couple's silence, TMZ went ahead and called the kid "Sweeny Tot." Good for them.
Moments ago, TMZ sent us an e-mail declaring that 17-year-old Nick Hogan bought alcohol just hours before his tremendous car accident that left his good friend in traction in August.
The hasty site claimed a grocery store employee bypassed security measures in order to sell Hogan about $80 worth of beer. BUT THEN: "PLEASE DISREGARD PREVIOUS EMAIL REGARDING NICK HOGAN. STORY MAY BE INCORRECT." Wha?!?! Up is down, down is up!
TMZ sometimes uses the noun "bitchfight" when discussing arguments between women, but we always considered the word too fake and misogynistic for our liking. So we'll not say "bitchfight" to bring you the news of Lily Allen's spiteful comments about LOLShopper Victoria Beckham. But, were we more into calling women "bitches," we might have.
Lily, 22, who shot to fame when her single Smile went to No1 last summer, criticised Posh Spice's obsession with fame.
"I think, 'You are not promoting anything, you don't need the money, so all it's about is being famous.'
"And I can never imagine my life being about being famous. I make music, that's what I am here for. I would never go out and court publicity. I am in such a good place, it wouldn't occur to me."
Yesterday Britney Spears showed up in sunglasses at night to Heidi Klum's Halloween bash. Her costume looks to be "Negligent Parent Courting the Press." Not many people can pull that off, but she does it well. Spooky.
Although TMZ is still one of the worst sin bins festering within media today, occasionally they'll make one or two minutes of brilliance that will ensure our return to their site. Damn them, but enjoy. And don't move to LA.
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After winning rights to weekly, supervised, overnight custody, Britney Spears left the courtroom seemingly excited. TMZ's take, though, is this: "Britney Spears has just left the courtroom, looking extremely upset and teary-eyed." Photos after the jump show a different story: A smiling Spears exiting the building, getting into her car and then becoming distressed by all the people blocking her way. Keep in mind that TMZ ran the story as "developing" and obviously assumed the hearing's outcome was negative for Spears. It wasn't, but their headline still stands. Sweet little lies.
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Jude Law's been arrested for skinning a photographer's knee and scratching his cheek, or, as TMZ puts it, "beating the crap out of [him]." In related news, TMZ is your little brother.
After the jump, the grisly aftermath.
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Speaking of unmeritorious successes, court documents inexplicably obtained by TMZ show that, in an average month, Britney Spears expects an income of $737,868. (Oh, yes, that Britney Spears.) In related news, the 2007 poverty threshold dictates that a family of eight with an annual income of more than $35,000 is not to be considered poor, no matter how hard they work. Suck on that, America.
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Talking points:
• She copped a plea.
• She's on probation.
• She's got court-ordered rehab.
• She's going to jail for at least four days.
• She knows to say "things for which I am ashamed" rather than "things I am ashamed for." (That was probably her lawyer, though.)
• TMZ has a collective erection big enough to make them shift in their collective jeans.
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Who was most predictable here: Criss Angel, Britney Spears or TMZ?
Stop the presses! While everyone was busy pondering exactly how fucking scary it is that New York City can still be crippled by a bad rain, a case of selflessness has arisen from the glittery toilet of reality television.
Citing that it would have been "demeaning to other people," Kelly Osbourne has decided to kibosh a reality television show she was set to co-star in with Kimberly Stewart. According to TMZ, "Producers wanted the glamor girls to spend time with "real people" doing "real jobs" — like garbage men and hot dog vendors — and make fun of them."
If this is the real reason Osbourne declined the show, she is to be commended. Backbone is rare when the checks are big, and it's refreshing to see someone taking charge of their career instead of arguing after the fact that they were swindled.
Lane Garrison, whose love of fast automobiles is widely known, was just sentenced by an LA County judge to submit to diagnostic testing at with Department of Corrections. What's that mean? Here's the breakdown, courtesy of TMZ (who, of course, are having a shit fit the likes of which haven't been seen since Lohan got another dewey):
Garrison's lawyers, Richard Hutton and Harland Braun, have apparently asked the court for a "diagnostic." That means Garrison will be sent to a California prison for 90 days, where shrinks and others will determine if Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation.
If the judge goes along with the defense request, the smart money is that the shrinks will say Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation and the judge will agree. That would mean Garrison would serve 90 days.
Only 90 days for killing a kid? Why, had I known that…erm.
Exclusive Mollygood sources inside the courtroom say that though Garrison's case seems to be moving along in his favor, there was a minor kink in the works when, during testimony, Garrison shouted, "Yes they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!"
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While you were sleeping, TMZ was gathering in their unexpectedly demure offices a trio of poorly spoken tattletales who allege they took shots with Lindsay Lohan on the night of her arrest ("Every time I saw her she had a drink in her hand.") and that they were forced to accompany the young starlet on her infamous car chase not because they wanted to have an amazing story to sell, but because she commandeered their vehicle ("I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want.").
If you could give half a shit about what these guys have to say, I recommend watching the videos anyway. They're comic gold and—like the best episodes of The Simpsons—you spot something new and good during each repeat viewing. Here's the list I've generated thus far of things to look out for:
1. The black guys feign shock at the fact that, "for some reason," they weren't allowed into the party in Malibu filled with dipshit, rich kids who enjoy drama. Weird!
2. Hey! Dante Nigro is the white guy's name! So weird!
3. Dante motions with an unlit cigarette the whole time. What's that unlit cigarette all about, Dante? Only kinda weird.
4. Three grown men claim they couldn't stop a young, drunk girl from taking their SUV. Too weird to believe!
Oh, and one more thing: These men allege that upon being questioned by the police once the car chase had ended, Lohan said, "I wasn't driving, the black kid was." YAY! Hooray for petite white women blaming it on the black guy! Good thing this whole ordeal didn't take place in Alabama circa 1934. I think those guys would have been hanging around the scene of the crime for a while, if you know what I mean.
Lots—lots—more of this harrowing tale after the jump.
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