• Sorry, ladies: Pat O'Brien is getting married. Let's take a moment to honor one of the last good men with an encore presentation of his infamous voicemails. (YouTube audio NSFW) [DListed]

• Get this: Uma Thurman might be pregnant at the same time her ex-husband, Ethan Hawke, is preparing to marry a former nanny that she hired. The circle of life, Hollywood style! [Yeeeah]

• Barack Obama must be doing something right: His daughter isn't hanging out with Heidi Montag. [HT]

• Maggie Gyllenhaal threatens to leave New York City. To be honest, we didn't even know she lived here in the first place. [ICYDK]

• Alert the presses: Lindsay Lohan almost kisses Samantha Ronson. [PS]

• Eva Longoria got "ugly" for her role on Desperate Housewives. Except … she still looks pretty. [INO]

THURMAN ENGAGED TO MAN WHO SHOWS AFFECTION WITH THINGS "Uma Thurman … is ready to walk down the aisle again with financier Arpad (Arki) Busson … Busson, who has two children with supermodel Elle Macpherson, just presented Thurman with a engagement ring so big 'she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat' …" Oh, wonderful: a diamond so huge it's inconvenient! How do people this crazy get so much money into their nutty bank accounts?

NANNY-CUM-MOMMY "Ethan Hawke and his fiancée, Ryan Shawhughes, are getting ready to walk down the aisle. The star and the 'very pregnant' former nanny of his children with Uma Thurman are expecting their first bundle together, and spies at the Municipal Building on Centre Street yesterday morning saw the couple applying for their marriage license."

FIVE YEARS CAN'T SQUELCH TRUE LOVE! "A Manhattan judge has sentenced a former mental patient to three years of probation for stalking and harassing actress Uma Thurman. Jack Jordan of Gaithersburg, Md., will serve the probation in his home state, with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment. … State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro also imposed a five-year order of protection. If Jordan violates any of the court's terms, the judge says he'll be jailed."

Uma Thurman's stalker, Jack Jordan, was convicted this morning of wanting to be more than friends with the Kill Bill actress. The New York Times wants you to know Jordan graduated from the University of Chicago with a degree in literature, presumably because it thinks you should be shocked that a college graduate is soooooooo crazy.

Jordan could be sentenced to as much as a year and 90 days in prison, where he'll have plenty of free time to plot his revenge.

HAWKE SPREADS HIS SEED "Ethan Hawke is about to become a father for the third time, the actor’s rep Mara Buxbaum reported. Hawke is dad to two children with ex-wife 'Kill Bill' star Uma Thurman - daughter Maya, 9, and son Levon, 5. His third child is by his now-girlfriend and his kids’ former nanny, Ryan Shawhughes. 'I can confirm and they are thrilled,' Buxbaum said. 'No further details will be made available.'"

• Whose love child is this? [INO]

• Wanna put your boobs into an unsexy, awkward position? Of course you do. [DListed]

• Who would have guessed Alyssa Milano in the shower could be so boring? [HT]

• Ditch the scooter, ditch that goddamn hat and let's start behaving like grown-ups, kay? [ICYDK]

• How was Ashlee Simpson like an old pug? [Yeeeah]

• The creepy Diane Arbus twins have grown into the average-looking, big-haired twins. Shoulda stayed creepy. [CityRag]

• Who writes a fake Craigslist post? [Jossip]

• Our bigoted, jock, dickhead, violent, hyper-religious, intolerant, stupid, unread, political leaders shame us yet again! USA! USA! USA! [Queerty]

If you can afford it, taking your children to Europe will prove to be an enriching experience that will last them a lifetime. Among other things, they'll learn to not go too crazy over bare boobs and they'll be able to use firsthand experience to debate Frenchmen trying to claim their nation isn't "racist like America." And any kid that learns those lessons will probably be well-adjusted enough to learn for himself that those damn sport sandals gotta go.

More of Uma et al in Rome after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• The top secret "gay bomb" plans revealed. [BWE]

• Paris Hilton's agency has finally dropped her as a client, noting that "Paris Hilton's talent agent" is oxymoronic. [People]

• DeVito says, "I ain't seen a giant boob like that since I worked with Schwarzenegger on Twins." [DListed]

• Victoria Beckham in an exciting transition from bitching to pitching. [HT]

• What's with elaborate bathing suits? Simple onesie if you're a little uncomfortable, simple bikini if you're not. Keep it simple, stupid. [Yeeeah]

• A girl from The Real World died after suffering a life of horrible disease, thereby proving that life is usually realer when not on The Real World. [ICYDK]

• Probably the least thrilling "nail biter" ever. [CityRag]

Holy shit! It looks like Ethan Hawke is so aware that nobody likes him now that he's cheated on Uma, he's decided to completely revert to the Reality Bites era when he couch surfed his way into America's heart as Troy the talented slacker—complete with shoulder-length shag and vintage duds.

This is like when you're in the doghouse and you bring up an old inside joke so cute and funny that your girlfriend has to smile and start talking to you again.

[Source]

The worst noise in the world is tittering harpies jeering people for looking weird. It's what seventh grade sounds like, and it's why successful artists are always going, "I fucking hated school."

So, you shouldn't malign Uma Thurman for having sagging breasts. It's bratty and catty, and it's ageism. Big, full boobs will one day become big, pendulous boobs. And, in 20 years, I'd rather see Uma sagging about the nursing home than be anywhere near the indestructible, adamantine punchlines Pamela Anderson calls breasts.

Que sera, big bra. Fuck 'em.

[Source]

Uma Thurman, Parker Posey, Lili Taylor, Stanley Tucci, Marcia Gay Harden, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Claire Danes (whew, I'll stop there) among others were out last night as the Sundance Institute celebrated 25 years of independent film. The actors all wore shirts listing their "first #&%?*! jobs" including Uma's stint as a "burrito roller at Taco Bell" and Danes' grueling years as "friendship bracelet vendor" (my shirt would read "JCC Lifeguard", "Non-profit research assistant" and "Late night Karaoke Machine Machine"). Some of the stars apparently took turns acting as drink servers at the event. Looks like that experiment ended not so successfully for Uma. It's all fun an games until there's White Russian all over the floor. Right, Uma? You're fired.

Convincing costume, babe.

Okay, fine, maybe Uma Thurman was just having a grand ole time rather than trying to scare the bejessus out of people at the Color Of Love party at a museum in New York. She may be out without her boyfriend or kids, but she's keeping the children (or at least their toys) close to her heart (wrist) with that frog bracelet. It's always refreshing to see Uma without Quentin Tarentino drooling all over her. Literally. Dude can't keep his grubby slobber paws to himself.

[Source]

• Jessica Alba in a bikini ain't what it used to be. Still hot, but plus heinous hippie skirt and a few too many obvious ribs. [Hollywood Tuna]

• DrunkenStepfather takes his Lohan stalking to a voicemail-leaving level, probably has been arrested by now. [DrunkenStepfather]

• Pamela Anderson knows what the paparazzi wants to see her in, and is happy to oblige. [DListed]

• It may not be a bikini, but how often do you get to see Uma Thurman in a bathing suit at all? [Egotastic]

• The real reason behind Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe's breakup: her career…and I guess his substance abuse. [Celebitchy]

• So close to a Mischa Barton ass-showing, yet so far away. [PopSugar]

• Farewell Miu Von Furstenberg, we hardly knew you. [A Socialite's Life]

• Uma Thurman may look like a clown, but she would happily beat the shit out of you for laughing at her. [CityRag]

• Happy 2nd Birthday, Pink Is The New Blog! We all hope Britney brushes her hair just for you today. [PITNB]

• Grab your ‘Namibia is for Lovers’ shirt before Brad and Angelina buy ‘em out to give to all their friends. [Goldenfiddle]

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have asked Katherine McPhee to sing at their wedding. Katie hopes that the old look alike switcheroo may be her only chance of escape. [BWE]

• We may have jumped the gun on that Reese Witherspoon pregnancy announcement. Oops. [JustJared]

• I’m guessing it’s all fart jokes and facial contortions over at the Carrey-McCarthy household. [A Socialite’s Life]

• Scarlett Johansson is hard to spell, but for me the tricky ones are always the Gyllenhaals. [PopWatch]

• OMG!!! You can kind of vaguely see post-birth Gwen Stefani through this car window. [HollywoodRag]

I cannot even really explain the joy I felt upon reading that Rachel Bilson and Mischa Barton actually went to high school together. Please don't rain on my parade by explaining that Bilson is 5 years older and therefore they never actually overlapped; just let me have my dream for a moment. Right here in New York City, Summer and Marissa kind of sort of real life lived the OC. Where, you ask, and what other famous went there:

PROFESSIONAL CHILDREN'S SCHOOL
132 West 60th Street, Upper West Side
Mischa Barton, Jordana Brewster, Rachel Bilson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Julia Stiles, Christopher Walken, Uma Thurman and Scarlett Johansson

Brilliant. In my head these ladies (other than Walken, who is just standing in the corner acting like a nutjob and freaking the shit out of all the hot girls) roamed the halls in a pack somehow bridging the divide between the cool kids and the drama kids. Mischa and Rachel play their exact parts from the show, clearly. Sarah Michelle Gellar was the cheerleader. Uma Thurman, the hot athletic one who slept with all the cool older guys. Julia Stiles was always almost a popular girl, but never quite, and tried too hard at parties, often resulting in embarrassing dignity-less moments. And Scarlett Johansson smoked cigarettes in the parking lot and was rumored to give blow jobs for cocaine.

[Source]

It's not everyday that anyone has anything negative to say about Uma Thurman. I attribute about 40% of this to the fact that everyone is terrified of her after seeing Kill Bill. Otherwise, eh, there's just not all that much to say. Not today, however, because not even Ms. Uma Thurman is impervious to the wrath of yoga-induced foot odor. The New York Daily News reports:

A crowd of civilians and a sprinkling of celebrities attended Wednesday night's opening of the Jivamukti Yoga School in Union Square, and the vast second-floor space was tightly packed, very warm and, as the night went on, increasingly pungent.

Everybody - even the paparazzi - was required to take their shoes off, exposing the toes of Uma Thurman, Russell Simmons, Elizabeth Berkley and Matthew Modine.

Sting sat in a lotus position strumming a sitar - background music for his wife, Trudie Styler's, lengthy ode to yoga while their audience of 500-plus enthusiasts listened and perspired.

Okay, sick. I'm not sure what's worse: considering what sort of possible foot fungus Russell Simmons has contracted from Kimora or picturing Matthew Modine in the Downward Dog position.

Either way, I'm sure Uma's feet were only a victim to the anonymous crime of group odor–there's no way you can blame her when there's a shoeless Sting in the vicinity.
[Source]