Try to think back to earlier this week when Heather Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI. She looked crazy, but TMZ is saying that the woman who reported the crime in the first place is even crazier — she's a former Us Weekly staffer. Yeesh.
Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly's computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear in the Montecito area. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn't even moving at the time.
After calling 911, Ishkanian took the next logical step: She called a paparazzi agency to take pictures of the event, because why wouldn't Heather want to document this memory? But this isn't helping Locklear one bit: Officials said that Ishkanian's actions don't take away her credibility as a witness. Just her soul.
BARKER RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL "Travis Barker has been released from the Joseph M. Still Burn Center at Doctors Hospital in Augusta, Georgia, Usmagazine.com has confirmed. 'Travis Barker was discharged from the Joseph M. Still Burn Center at Doctors Hospital this morning,' spokesperson Beth Frits told Us Monday afternoon. 'He left in good condition.'"
Magical idiot David Blaine is now hanging upside down above Central Park as we type, so this is a great time to discuss all of the medical dangers involved with the attention whore's stunt. We'll start with the basics: No eating or sleeping for three days and two nights. That sounds bad enough, but then come the real issues: Possible strokes, blindness, seizures or death.
Quick, somebody tell Heidi and Spencer that Us Weekly is doing an upside down photo shoot that may last a couple of days because the world-famous photographer works verrrrry slowly.
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Hollywood never ceases to amaze us with the industry's routine absurdity, and this week is no different: In its latest issue, Us Weekly reveals that some of the new 90210 actresses are too thin. But, let's be serious here, there's no way these girls were cast for their acting abilities — the producers obviously picked who would best represent the young and beautiful. The show's leading lady (besides Lucille Bluth, of course), Shenae Grimes, is 5-foot-3 and comes in at an astonishing 90 pounds; co-star Jessica Stroup is 5-foot-8 and 100 pounds. Apparently this is alarming (you think?), so the show's producers and stars are "poised to take action," whatever that means.
Hey, remember the days when the beautiful 90210 girls actually weighed more than a feather? Poor Brenda Walsh would be shunned for being "the fat girl" if she were part of today's high school crew.
The Us Weekly staffers apparently got really drunk and threw together a humorous list of the 25 Most Stylish New Yorkers. Topping the list: Tyra Banks. In a city that plays home to millions of people, Tyra Effing Banks is the most stylish? Also making the list are resident View idiot Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Danity Kane he-she Aubrey O'Day. We have no words.
For a look into Tyra's enviable "style," click through.
ADDING TO THE PILE OF CELEBRITY BABIES "Usher and wife Tameka Foster are expecting their second child, Usmagazine.com has learned. The R&B singer, 29, and Foster, 38, welcomed their first child, Usher Raymond V, in November."
Here we go again with the didn't-need-to-know teenager news; this time the speculation surrounds Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe and the loss of his virginity. In the upcoming October issues of Details, Daniel reveals that he lost his virginity at age 16 to someone much older than him. And instead of leaving it at that, Us Weekly had to go digging.
Though Radcliffe doesn't name-drop, a source says in the new issue of Us Weekly the ex is Amy Byrne, an assistant hairdresser who was 23 when they met on the set of 2005's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. His rep had no comment.
Great work, Us! Hope you feel better now that you have uncovered all the icky details of a teenager's sex life.
Seeing what the National Enquirer did with John Edwards — endless press (eventually) and a slight, but noticeable, newsstand bump — Us Weekly is definitely not getting left behind with, or letting the Enquirer own, the latest political scandal. Or, you know, the scandal that might not really be a scandal, just a little matter of unwed teen pregnancy.
Enter Sarah Palin.
• Solange Knowles manages to be more obnoxious than most celebrity siblings. [DListed]
• Apparently the "turn to the side and hope Us Weekly does a good Photoshop job" diet doesn't stick. [Yeeeah]
• Jessica Simpson seriously needs to stop talking about Tony Romo. [PS]
• A new tell-all is in the works called Stalking Britney — or, as we like to call it, In Touch. [ICYDK]
• Heidi Montag continues to willingly be the butt of America's jokes. [HT]
• We disagree with this list of the top 10 funniest movies of all time. [INO]
We admit to loving Anne Hathaway, but the quotes she gave about Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention were a little bizarre. ("I was afraid to trust him. … I can't deny how I feel about you, Barack Obama.") Does she know that running for public office is not the same as attempting to be her next boyfriend?
This Us Weekly-esque picture of Rielle Hunter and her baby Francis, who may or may not be John Edwards' daughter, landed on the cover of the National Enquirer thanks to one of Rielle's sisters. Nice. Of the two potential snitches, one hasn't spoken to Rielle in 15 years and has already been previously identified as an Enquirer source. Gee, we wonder which one would sell a picture to the tabloid in exchange for a pocketful of cash?
We can't wait until this whole scandal blows over and it becomes a Lifetime movie.
ANOTHER ONE BACK ON THE MARKET, KINDA "After just eight weeks of marriage, Saturday Night Live alum Chris Kattan and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split. 'Separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time,' his rep tells Usmagazine.com."
So in case you haven't heard, tonight is the season four premiere of MTV "reality" hit The Hills. Over the last three seasons it's become fairly obvious that there's rarely anything real about the show except for Spencer and Heidi's douchiness, so we've compiled our five favorite fake moments in the history of The Hills. Feel free to add your own if they didn't make the cut.
Because average Americans can't be trusted to form their own opinions, Us Weekly trotted out a polygraph expert to explain how John Edwards may not have been completely honest during last week's Nightline interview regarding his affair with Rielle Hunter. Gee, you think?
Jack Trimarco, a former FBI Unit Chief, reported that due to John's "attempts to dodge questions" and "sketchy body language," he has come to the conclusion that Edwards is a liar. Other great revelations include a phenomenon knows as a "mixed signal," which Jack says occurs when Edwards stated he would participate in a paternity test while simultaneously nodding his head "no." This is so enlightening. Also suspect is the fact that Edwards frequently repeated questions back to the interviewer before giving an answer: "When a person is getting ready to tell a lie, they repeat the question back because they need time to formulate an innocent response."
Wow, that was extremely educational. Thanks, Us!
Remember way back in November when Jennifer Love Hewitt suddenly became relevant again thanks to a charming TMZ post criticizing her weight? And then JLH notoriously shot back that "a size 2 is not fat"? Well, evidently she still thought she could stand to lose a few pounds and then brag about it to Us Weekly. As you do. The actress claims she lost 18 pounds, but we have a hard time believing that.
Remember those horrendous roll-up jeans Katie Holmes has been sporting as of late? Someone with lots of time on their hands has discovered the source:
Katie Holmes hasn't just been wearing men's jeans on recent NYC outings – she's wearing husband Tom Cruise's jeans!
'It's the new look Katie is going for,' a source tells Us. A reason Holmes has been rolling them up? She's 5'9" and Cruise is 5'7".
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Us Weekly put our fears at ease by reassuring everyone that Bethenny Frankel from The Real Housewives of New York City is not dating Lipstick Jungle actor Robert Buckley. Phew.
The issue at hand is the picture that accompanies the story, which features Frankel and some guy who is definitely not the Robert Buckley in question. Trust us, we know what he looks like.
The Hogans have this weird disorder where they cry for sympathy and privacy and yet constantly seek out the media to further embarrass themselves. Denise Richards suffers from the same affliction, as do half the famewhores in Hollywood. Nothing newsworthy has been happening in the family lately — Nick's still in jail, Brooke's still parading her stupidity on television, Hulk and Linda are still divorcing — but the patriarch just has to talk to Us Weekly, this time about his estranged wife:
Without a doubt, this one is the most formidable opponent I’ve ever run into. You talk about dirty tricks: Brass knuckles, steel knuckles, cheap shots, tripping people up. I’ve never seen anybody in the wrestling business that has more dirty tricks than she does! I guess I taught her well.
Well, that most certainly wasn't a waste of time. Thanks, Hulk.
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