Us magazine, which loves celebrities like Ike loved Tina, has a new photo gallery in which it lists its favorite religious stars. Go there to see a "pious" Mischa Barton exiting a Catholic church one week after she was arrested for DUI.
Stars: They're just like us, using religion as a crutch when life gets a little bit scary.
Britney Spears' enabler and famed grave-pisser Sam Lutfi has admitted to Us magazine that, on the night of her most recent committal, he fed the pop star a "handfull of pills."
"I said these pills are working wonders, they are miracle pills," he recalls. Spears, Lutfi says, agreed that the meds were helping her sleep.
Handfulls of pills don't help you sleep; handfulls of pills help you pass out.
Because procuring white children the natural way prevents them from adopting foreign babies and subsequently saving the world just a little bit more, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have devised an ingenious way for their rumored zygotes to benefit others: they want to sell the confirmation.
Us magazine is reporting that the couple will grant the specifics of the pregnancy to the tabloid offering the most money. Then they will donate those ill-gotten proceeds to charity. Why "ill-gotten"? Well, we tend to get very weirded out by body commodification, especially when we're talking about tremendously wealthy people who can afford to not put prices on their and their family's heads. And while this is mostly a case of information about a body being valuable, it still seems slightly off.
Far be it from us, though. And we guess we can get behind anything that makes the competition between the tabloids look even stupider. Happy auctioning, you two!
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The completely comparable WASP Gwyneth Paltrow has been hospitalized, Us reports! Her condition and symptoms remain uncertain, but an eyewitness reported seeing her "slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin."
New York magazine presumes her illness is a consequence of her restrictive diet, a leafy mix of raw and organic salads and juices. Organic Avenue, the purveyor of the healthier-than-thou goods seen being taken to Paltrow's hospital room, thinks that is poppycock: "Oh, no…There's actually quite a bit of food there, it's just all raw and organic." Mmmmm, anemia.
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Yesterday we received an e-mail from Us with this subject line: "EXCLUSIVE: Katie Holmes Registers for Boston Marathon." Today, when we click on the link for the story, 'tis nowhere to be found. What happened?
Did Holmes drop out? Was she ever signed up? Is she, in fact, signed up, but saying she's not due to security issues? Shin splints?
OK! says the dead link is simply due to the fact that Us is full of lie tellers:
"Katie Holmes is not running in the Boston Marathon," her spokeswoman Ina Treciokas tells OK! exclusively, breaking the heart of long-distance-running Dawson's Creek fans everywhere.
The insult to the injury: "…those stories are nothing but wishful dreaming on the part of the editors of faltering tabloid Us Weekly." Faltering! Tabloid wars! First battle will be at Kitson. Let the BlackBerrys fly!
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Congrats to Lynne Spears! This week, her daughters had a monopoly on all the covers — Jamie Lynn still has some work to do, however, because she only appeared on one compared to Britney's four. It seems the crazy trumps teen pregnancy every time.
Besides the onslaught of Britney drama, there's lots of Hills gossip and Hollywood stars who still refuse to come out of the closet. What more could you ask for? Exclusives with Tara Reid and Amy Winehouse? OK! has you covered!
So let's travel to a world where suicide threats and kidnapping are the norm, and Britney seems to have hit rock bottom. But for some reason, Intern Whitney still isn't so sure. CONTINUED »
And speaking of buxom blonds, healthy upstart Scarlett Johnasson is suing saucy glossy Us for implying that she has had rhinoplasty, an accusation her lawyers call "an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof."
We disagree that the allegation is inconceivable, but we can't argue against each and every part of this being outrageous.
Us Weekly – really them more than us – is running an unnecessary story revealing when Britney Spears lost her virginity. We won't tell you the exact age, but according to the tabloid she was older than seven and younger than 16 when her innocence was premaritally taken. The young man hampered with the guilt? A boy named Reg. (We're assuming that's a soft "g" sound.)
The article goes on to tell the reader which of Spears' uncles are homeless. The more you know…
That's what we think.
Update: That's what Us knows.
More from Lopez's album release party under here.
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Because who wouldn't be proud of having their face emblazoned right next to the assertion "Revenge Plastic Surgery"? Doy!
Heidi Montag tells Us magazine that after being sent off to a rhinoplasty and breast augmentation by her boyfriend saying, "I'm so proud of you," she then made the decision that she would rather be dead than have small boobs and a large nose.
…surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it.”
Wonderful. It's comforting to know that the stars of The Hills value their lives as much as the rest of us.
Us is reporting that Paris Hilton (pictured here with the longest armed member of the Dixie Chicks), the supposedly erstwhile proponent of all things bacchanalian, might have been deceiving people when she said she was going to clean up her life—imagine that!
It looks like Paris Hilton's post-prison "new leaf" is one you can smoke. Out at Guy's nightclub in West Hollywood on July 24, Hilton and Mischa Barton's ex Cisco Adler sang karaoke, made out and got high.
The duo, who Usmagazine.com sources witnessed making out more than once, were perhaps feeling loose and lovey due to the marijuana they were openly smoking at the club. As the 4 Non Blondes song "What's Up" played in the background, Hilton sang along, replacing the chorus' "what's going on" lyric with "let's smoke a bowl!"
Just when you thought "What's Up" couldn't get any more grating, huh? Regardless, you'd think someone so dim would want to keep their faculties as sharp as possible at all times. Wrong, motherfucker, "let's smoke a bowl!" And because I know people get fucking aggressive the moment I say anything bad about weed—a remarkably counterintuitive response—here's something new that you should check out before starting with the "It's just pot, narc" spiel.
More of the traitorous Natalie Maines after the jump.
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