America got slaughtered last night by China in the Olympic baseball games, which does exist. Not "slaughtered" like China kicked the United States' butt (they didn't, America won 9-1….GO U.S.A.!). Slaughtered like "did that batter just get hit by a Chinese pitcher again?" Yes, yes he did, but only because he was involved in taking out the Chinese catcher.

Watch video of the traumas below (which included a batter, Matt LaPorta, given a concussion, for eff's sake):

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There are so many things wrong with this clip of Matt Lauer and Al Roker's rhythmic gymnastics routine from The Today Show that we don't even know where to begin. The two pranced around in spandex to "Dream Weaver," and the only entertaining part occurred when the other countries' competitors watched from the stands in horror. Go team!

SHMOLYMPICS Forgive me, nation, for I have sinned: I haven't watched more than five minutes of this year's Olympics since they started – no swimming, no track, no wrestling – and I don't think I will. Every time I go to turn them on the television, I feel as if I'm about to start a chore and quickly drop the remote like a leaden shot.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't summon the fevered devotion like many others. I'm looking for a support group; anyone else out there with me?