Please, America, elect Barack Obama. On behalf of the world. Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president.

But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be president for eight years?

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because in England he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

[Source]

This time last year, everyone was discussing Britney Spears' disastrous "comeback performance" at the VMAs, something we called a "calamitous waterloo." One year later, last night Spears won all three Video Music Awards for which she was nominated, spoke without incident and read all the big words on the teleprompter. Basically, she behaved like a normal person in abnormal circumstances, which is all anyone has ever asked of her.

Besides knowing that the world is an increasingly depressing place, if you watched the Video Music Awards last night, you know they briefly morphed from a tedious insult to America's intelligence into an impromptu back-and-forth about premarital sex.

After host Russell Brand mocked young, Christian superstars the Jonas Brothers for their "purity rings," signs of their virginity, American Idol winner Jordin Sparks interrupted her scripted appearance to mew that some people wear promise rings because they don't want to be "a slut." (Because it's one or the other, apparently.)

Brand used some of his next screen time to apologize for his earlier remarks, saying, "I don't want to piss off teenage fans… Promise rings, I'm well up for it."

After the jump, Sparks' little tirade; watch John Legend's face.

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