Uh oh! Everyone's poor and the holidays are coming up! How to get through the next few months, during which we all SIMPLY MUST celebrate the birth of God by spending money on each other, without inching even closer to the poorhouse? HERE COMES WAL-MART, BITCHES!
An Alabama man's thoughts on Barack Obama's race:
'He’s neither-nor,' said Ricky Thompson, a pipe fitter who works at a factory north of Mobile, while standing in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart store just north of here. 'He’s other. It’s in the Bible. Come as one. Don’t create other breeds.'
The same article, brought to our attention by the lovely Run-DMS, goes on to feature a "joke" (courtesy of yet another Wal-Mart patron) about how, if elected, Obama is "going to tear up the rose bushes and plant a watermelon patch." Hilarious!
A Wal-Mart employee in Louisiana is in trouble with the feds for stealing a (technically) pornographic photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breast-feeding her child. There are just so many things wrong with this story, we don't know where to begin.
Jamie Lynn's fiance, Casey Aldridge, took your average I'm-a-new-teen-parent pictures on his digital camera and then ordered copies at his local Wal-Mart (of course), where one of the employees got a little too excited about a picture of a 17-year-old exposing her breast to feed a baby. This poses a problem for the creep because Jamie Lynn is a minor, and selling or buying pictures of this nature constitutes pornography. Oh, and then there's the whole issue of stealing Casey's photos.
Let this be a lesson to all of you: Don't get your photos developed at Wal-Mart. Also, don't be a pedophile.
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Isn't promoting one's "art" at Wal-Mart like promoting one's platform of democracy in China?
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BOOM! There it is, front and center. Try finding this beautiful thing at Wal-Mart. (You will not be able to.) But who cares? Fuck Wal-Mart's morality.—it's a put on. They're just afraid of the black man's dick.
Addendum: Surprising as it may be, we are not being sarcastic. Nas is great and so is this record.
You know who loves Taylor Hicks? AMERICA! America f-ing adores Taylor Hicks. Do you know what else Americans love? WAL-MART! Hoooooray for the ambiguously aged inoffensive goofy man and corporate imperialism. Yeee-haaa.
This morning, I sat through a good portion of the live internet telecast of the Annual Wal-Mart Shareholders meeting in Arkansas, based on information that the one and only Taylor Hicks would be performing live. Unfortunately, it took me watching for a good ten minutes before I realized that I missed the performance, though I did learn a thing or two about Wal-Mart and got a lovely reminder of the guilt I felt when I completely zoned out during meetings when I briefly worked in an office. Why I felt like I needed to pay attention to the Wal-Mart meeting streaming on my computer, I'm not exactly sure.
Anyway, I missed Taylor, so did you, but there is hope. Always hope.
Lucky for you, Taylors one of a kind (or completely phoned in) performance is available on the internet. Check it out. He's spazzy, just the way you a-holes like him.
Editor
