A meticulously crafted fake edition of The New York Times broadsheet is being given away throughout the five boroughs today. Purportedly from July 4, 2009, the future-paper, the work of a team of infamous pranksters, tells of a world gone perfect, one in which the Iraq war is over, maximum wage laws have been enacted and people have collectively decided to stop burning their youths away toiling as lawyers and businessmen. It's a great gag, but also a cruel one—your eyes will never see these headlines on an authentic newspaper.
Check out the online edition here before the real Times sues everyone into hell.
The moment things began to turn around in Iraq is when the USO deployed Jessica Simpson.
-President George W Bush, who's still finding the humor in this bloody, endless, godforsaken war
You guys know Lara LoganC: She was that CBS correspondent/former swimsuit model who went to Iraq and inspired a brawl between a CNN reporter and a US defense contractor when they both fell in love with her. She's an inspiration to the children, really.
But now Lara is under fire for taking some souvenirs home from Iraq with her…and not just the baby that the contractor Joe Burkett knocked her up with:
Hey, Megan McCain, before ever again going on national television to say things like "No one knows what war is like other than my family—period," you should pick up a newspaper and read about the thousands of other people – both Americans and foreigners – killed and wounded in America's wars. And then you should find a book about how most veterans don't come home to piles of money and tremendous power like your brothers and father did, and how some of them have to cope with this while on street corners, begging for change. Finally, seek out a magazine article about how some people go and risk their lives for a college education similar to the one you no doubt considered a foregone conclusion. Once you've done all that, shut your fucking mouth.
Seriously, are these people just trying to see how much they can insult the intelligence of the working class and still get its vote? Is this a goddamn game to them?
"A man of his word," Barack Obama appeared on the O'Reilly Factor last night to be talked over and rudely interrupted in the "No Spin Zone." The two discussed the war on terror, Iraq, Iran and Pakistan, and there is really nothing stranger than watching a bullying, impatient blowhard and a cerebral, wordy politician try to have an intelligent conversation. Never fear, though. We have all next week to get used to it. Fox is milking this one sit-down for all it's worth, and will stretch it over several episodes. O'Reilly promises that it will be "fairly extensive and provocative."
LAW CALLS FOR 'DAY OF PEACE' IN AFGHANISTAN "Actor Jude Law has visited Afghanistan and called on all sides in the war-torn country to observe a day of peace. The Oscar nominee, who is an ambassador for the Peace One Day project, said his visit to Kabul was 'to remind all parties that it is happening'. Law said a pause in hostilities on 21 September would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. Last year the film star visited eastern Afghanistan to appear in a documentary filmed on peace day. … Cold Mountain star Law told reporters in Kabul that it was "the most important film I have been part of."
All My Children, that soap opera you consumed for twelve hours of when you were stuck at home post-yanking of your wisdom teeth, launched an open casting call for a real-life Iraq war veteran. Well, that sounds like it might actually be a good idea, in that it may bring the reality of war home for a demographic that prefers its stories fictionalized. Like on Army Wives. Oh wait, no.
At his show at New York's Nokia Theater on Tuesday night, 50 Cent, the marble-mouthed rapper once suspected of burning down his ex-wife's home, donned a US marine uniform – complete with cockeyed cap – for part of his set. 'Twas an odd choice for a wartime concert, especially considering the fact that the getup was probably used to enhance Fiddy's performance of "My Toy Soldier," the less than patriotic lyrics of which are as follows:
Shoot, stab, kill, muthafucka
You aint bout it, I dont want you around, cocksucka
Just like you knew he would, Spike Lee has completely ignored fellow director Clint Eastwood's recommendation that he "shut his face," telling ABC News, "[Eastwood] is not my father and we’re not on a plantation either." (In case you're not up to speed: Lee said publicly that Eastwood was remiss in not including black actors in his last two WWII films, Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima.) Lee continued:
He’s a great director. He makes his films, I make my films. The thing about it though, I didn’t personally attack him. And a comment like ‘a guy like that should shut his face’ — come on Clint, come on. He sounds like an angry old man right there.
Angry, indeed, Spike, but the facts do a good job of explaining why, exactly, Clint's mad about being called an inaccurate bigot. Let's break it down:
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Everyone's favorite relationship guru, Spencer Pratt, gets patriotic on us this week with his Radar advice column. A woman writes in to ask if she should stay faithful to her deployed husband or begin a secret lesbian relationship with another military wife. Um, OK. Spencer then describes what cheating means to him, and it's kind of deep until he suggests a three-way.
The aforementioned husband must be really proud to serve our country in order to protect our freedoms — freedoms like receiving cheating advice from a D-list reality show loser.
Emboldened by Tuesday's primary victory and the bitter, armed and dangerous voters of Pennsylvania, Senator Hillary Clinton is now rattling her saber loud enough for the whole world to hear. Cower, brown people!
Yesterday she focused her words on protecting Israel: "Whatever stage of development [Iran] might be in their nuclear weapons programme in the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack on Israel, we would be able to totally obliterate them."
Emphasis ours. Fright ours, too!
Have you heard? Hollywood's finally ready to follow the lead of Haliburton executives and turn a profit off of the war in Iraq. There's scripts flying in from everywhere about history's most unaccomplished "accomplished" mission, and producers are champing at the bit to get in on the action. One problem: the American public, pussies that we are, are still a little sore about the war in Iraq and unenthusiastic about the prospect of cinemas telling us fake stories about a real story the news won't acknowledge. Says Variety: "[Iraq war films] including 'Lions for Lambs,' 'In the Valley of Elah,' 'Rendition' and 'The Kingdom' misfired … " Misfired! Get it?
Let's hope the studios' reticence to release Iraq pictures gives way before those ridiculous $35 per ticket theaters open up; the irony will be so, so poignant.
Today, on the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war in Iraq, let us remember that 3,982 Americans and countless others from around the world have been killed in this conflict. Most of the American dead were under the age of 25. Currently, there is no real plan to bring the soldiers home.
Editor
