It pains us to throw in the towel when it comes to trying to figure out The Hills, but we've finally reached a point where we've officially surrendered. Heidi Montag's mother, Darlene Egelhoff, took a cue from her spawn and basked in the spotlight of this week's Us Weekly cover story criticizing Spencer Pratt and the reality TV wedding of the century. Assuming this is not all an act to gain press, we can't decide whether to applaud Darlene for recognizing the satanic being that is Spencer or criticize her for going to the media about a family matter.

[Spencer]'s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged. Spencer has tried to cut everyone out of her life. I've been honest with Heidi, and it's caused our relationship to decline. I'm more devastated about that than the marriage, because I'm confident the marriage won't work out. … [I give it] six months. I think it's the biggest mistake Heidi's ever made.

And as for Spencer's rebuttal: "I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill and be happy for her daughter." Good one, Tooly McToolerson.

Some interesting stuff actually happened on The Hills last night, which is a shame because everything was overshadowed by Heidi and Spencer's Wedding of the Century. On the show, Audrina found out that Lauren and Justin Bobby may or may not have hooked up (we're going to go with "no way in hell"), which led to lots of tears in the middle of public places. But the real talk of the night — at least on the series' aftershow — revolved around the Speidi marriage.

Holly Montag, sister of Heidi and roommate of Lauren, took to the talk show to discuss the idiocy of the wedding and appear genuinely sad. She acted like a sister should, claiming she would always love Heidi regardless of her stupid, stupid actions — but visibly teared up when discovering that the couple actually married days ago. Sucks finding out along with the rest of the Us Weekly crowd, huh?

THIS CAN ONLY END WELL • Hills loser Heidi Montag on her mother's reaction to the Speidi elopement: "I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle.' She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that. I don't know when I'll tell her."

Worried about overeating this Thanksgiving? Us Weekly has you covered — the magazine just scored an EXCLUSIVE!!! cover story on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's surprise nuptials, set to hit stands later this week. Yeah, you read that right. Speidi finally got married, putting an end to their months-long fake engagement. Heidi says she "couldn't stop crying" the minute they said their vows in a secret ceremony in Mexico. There were reportedly no guests in attendance, because the couple makes everyone — even family members — ill with just one publicity-inspired kiss.

And, in case you were wondering, the gays still can't tie the knot because it will ruin the sanctity of marriage.

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SHOCK JOCK GETS THE GIRL "Howard Stern and his longtime girlfriend Beth Ostrosky were married in New York City on Friday night, according to guests who attended the celebration. The guest list for the wedding, held at the restaurant Le Cirque, included Joan Rivers, Barbara Walters, Billy Joel and wife Katie Lee, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman and Stern's radio co-host, Robin Quivers. Stern, 54, and Ostrosky, 36, were joined in a ceremony officiated by Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, who also attended. Billy Joel sang two songs, and Chevy Chase delivered a raunchy roast, said one guest."

'Tis a sad day for the hags: Mollygood crush Ryan Reynolds wed Scarlett Johansson in a small ceremony in Vancouver over the weekend. Take a few moments to let this news sink in. We'll continue when you're ready.

This is a tough blow because the couple had been engaged for only four months — not a proper amount of time to process and grieve. We give all of you Reynolds lovers permission to take the day off from work, and support group information will be distributed in the near future.

Stay strong.

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Ellen DeGeneres is just so generous! The lesbian funny lady used her talk show yesterday to run some behind-the-scenes footage of her wedding to Portia de Rossi.

It's possibly the cutest thing we've ever seen and these girls are by far our favorite gay couple in history.

Watch Ms. D's monologue on the matter, after the jump…

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L-words Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were wed this weekend at their home in Los Angeles. Because every celebrity is equally unworthy of privacy in the eyes of money hungry paparazzi, there's some sneaky photos of the nuptials after the jump.

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HE WAS MEANT FOR HER, AND SHE WAS MEANT FOR HIM "Jewel's a newlywed. The singer and her longtime boyfriend, rodeo champion Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas and exchanged vows in a private ceremony Thursday night … 'She wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat …"

Converted Christian ex-con Michael Lohan says that were his daughter, Lindsay, to marry her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, it would probably be without his blessing.

"I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle,” says Michael. “She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask."

Yay, sanctimoniousnesses! And hypocrisy! And religions supposedly based on love that simultaneously prevent fathers from truly expressing love for their daughters! Jesus Christ!

THE MOST IMPORTANT MUD BOGGING OF THEIR LIVES "CMT has ordered a second season of the Tom Arnold-hosted 'My Big Redneck Wedding' … 'Wedding,' which features 'down-home country couples' and their over-the-top weddings, will return with eight half-hour episodes in October. This season, featured receptions will include monster trucks and mud bogging. The series … is one of CMT's highest-rated."

THURMAN ENGAGED TO MAN WHO SHOWS AFFECTION WITH THINGS "Uma Thurman … is ready to walk down the aisle again with financier Arpad (Arki) Busson … Busson, who has two children with supermodel Elle Macpherson, just presented Thurman with a engagement ring so big 'she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat' …" Oh, wonderful: a diamond so huge it's inconvenient! How do people this crazy get so much money into their nutty bank accounts?

At 5:01 PM, clerks began issuing the state’s first same-sex marriage licenses. And, as a proper institution, the ladies went first. Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin, who have been together 55 years, inaugurated the festivities in San Francisco, while Robin Tyler and Diane Olson did it up in Los Angeles county. The latter were the original plaintiffs in the case that led to California Supreme Court’s decision to overturn the ban on gay marriage.

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Gay Star Trek star George Takei is very close to boldly going where few men have gone before: into a loving marriage with another man.

With the California Supreme Court's legalization of gay marriage taking effect yesterday, Takei and his partner, Brad Altman, talked with The Early Show about being in the final stages of wedding planning, a process Takei calls "delicious anguish." Click through for the adorable video of the lovebirds.

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NANNY-CUM-MOMMY "Ethan Hawke and his fiancée, Ryan Shawhughes, are getting ready to walk down the aisle. The star and the 'very pregnant' former nanny of his children with Uma Thurman are expecting their first bundle together, and spies at the Municipal Building on Centre Street yesterday morning saw the couple applying for their marriage license."

It's happening: Us Weekly's "exclusives" with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt came to fruition this week with a huge cover story detailing the couple's reconciliation and plans to marry (again). Heidi says she changed her mind about calling off their previous engagement because she realized Spencer is her soulmate. Also? Because she gets more attention — and money — this way. But, for a minute, let's pretend all this isn't completely fabricated:

What changed? On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

'Heidi read me biblical passages like "Honor thy wife,"' says Pratt.

… Nope, can't do it. Too ridiculous.

ASHLEE SIMPSON, TAKE NOTES "Jessica Alba and Cash Warren … quietly wed on Monday, her rep tells People."

Tony Romo caved to Papa Joe's insistence that he accompany Jessica Simpson to sister Ashlee's wedding this weekend. But the delusions continued as the former couple staged fake romantic moments so word would get out from an anonymous source that the two are totally still together.

They were very cozy and cute together. She's definitely not mourning John Mayer! She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.

They were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.

So we're all on the same page that this "source" is Papa Joe, correct?

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