SILLY SHOPPING SHOW TO BE PROFITED FROM AGAIN "After months of nervous nail-gnawing, Kim Cattrall, 52, confirms what we all suspected: There WILL be a sequel to this year's box office and marketing hit, 'Sex and the City: The Movie.' The actress broke the news on Britain's 'The Paul O'Grady Show.' When asked, 'Will there be a sequel?' Cattrall replied with certainty, 'Yes there will!' A spokesperson for New Line Cinema tells People that the studio is 'in negotiations for a sequel.' Which is not quite as emphatic as Cattrall's statement but close, in Hollywood speak."

ANOTHER ANOTHER 'PLANET OF THE APES' IN THE WORKS "…right now, in the halls of Fox, there is another new version of Planet of the Apes that has been kicking around for the last year. It's not a sequel to the Burton film, and it's not another remake of the original. To the general audience it's a prequel to Planet of the Apes, but for the initiated it's something totally different. It's a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Yup. It's the story of Caesar, the ape who said no, the first ape with speech who started the events that led to a world where monkeys were on top and humans were dumb beasts."

SAM JOE THE PLUMBER TO BE A COUNTRY STAR Good god do I wish I were kidding: "On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks. Among the requests: a possible record deal with a major label, personal appearances and corporate sponsorships. A longtime country music fan, Wurzelbacher can sing and 'knocks around on guitar' but is not an accomplished musician or songwriter, according to The Press Office’s Jim Della Croce."

[Source]

SCI-FI CLASSIC TO BE RUINED "I recently attended a Q&A session with one of the writers of ‘Eagle Eye’ after a free screening organized by the magazine Creative Screenwriting. During the Q&A, the writer said that he and whomever it was that helped him co-write the ‘Eagle Eye’ screenplay were in the process of writing a sequel to Blade Runner, and had already contacted the producers of the original…" (emphasis ours)

BECAUSE NOBODY HAS ANY ATTENTION SPAN ANYMORE "Universal is teaming with 'Wanted' director Timur Bekmambetov for … a reimagining of the classic [Moby Dick]. Variety reports that Universal paid high six figures to Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to pen the screenplay. The writers intend to change the structure of the revered novel … The changes will include depictions of the whale’s decimation of other ships prior to its encounter with Ahab’s Pequod. Further, Ahab will be portrayed more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive. 'Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ ' Cooper told Variety. 'This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.'"

Deafen your children, dutiful parents! Jessica Simpson's new album is upon us, and boy is it terrible. Hahaha; just kidding. We'd rather have dental work done with sharpened chicken bones than listen to modern country music – yes, even Rascally Fats or whatever – so we have no idea how Do You Know sounds. (Maybe it's like Bowie!)

We can tell you that the last track is a duet between Simpson and Dolly Parton, which saddens us greatly. Oh, Dolly, what have you done?

Listen for yourself here.

DO. NOT. WANT. "Given the enormous box office success of 'Sex and the City,' talk of a sequel is not surprising. And on Thursday HBO confirmed that Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema are already at work on No. 2. 'There is enormous interest' by Warner Bros., Michael Lombardo, president of the HBO programming group, told reporters at the Television Critics Association press tour in Los Angeles. 'And I think, in fact, they’re trying, with our help, to put that together now. When that happens, how long between, can’t say. But there’s absolutely interest.'"

SOCCER MOM DIVERSIONS GETTING MORE GIMMICKY "More than 500 participants - including 11 men - from 40 states will compete in Regis [Philbin] and Kelly [Ripa's] first-ever High Heel-a-thon in Central Park this morning for a chance at first place and $25,000. The race will air live starting at 9:30 a.m. … how hard could 150 yards be in hot pink 41/2-inch Walter Steiger heels?"

Bravo is cooking up a spinoff to its "Top Chef" franchise that would feature teenage competitors.
…
"Top Chef Junior," which is in development, is a cooking-competition series that would feature contestants who likely will range in age from 13 to 16. Bravo said that "Top Chef," which aired its season finale Wednesday night, is a draw with younger viewers, ranking in the top 15 shows among kids/teens 2-17 in the Wednesday 10-11 p.m.

We don't know which is more disgusting: The grease burns these nervous kiddies are going to sustain week after week or the fact that media sharks and scummy admen actually track the viewing habits of FUCKING TWO-YEAR-OLDS!!!!!!

EVERYTHING GOLD IS USED AGAIN "Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation are bringing a live-action/animated 'Smurfs' project to the bigscreen. … Best known in the United States for the long-running Hanna-Barbera cartoon, the Smurfs were created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre Culliford, known throughout the world as Peyo. The Smurfs, originally called 'Les Schtroumpfs' in French, were created for a Belgian series of comic books, first as minor characters. The villagers, known for their blue skin and small statures, spawned a line of statuettes, games, toys, theme parks and a hit TV series, which ran as part of NBC's Saturday-morning lineup from 1981-90. … 'Smurfs' marks SPA's first hybrid film — a subgenre that proved popular given the success of 20th Century Fox's 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' …"

Finally, a newer new cell phone!

Owners of the new Google-powered mobile phone will be able to unlock the handset by drawing a secret shape on the screen.

The new 'signature unlocking' tool was among the features revealed during a sneak preview in California yesterday.

Other highlights include a built-in compass that will allow people to orientate maps as they use their phone to scout out a restaurant or venue, and a customisable homepage that lets people bookmark their favourite web pages.

The device - which is unlocked by drawing a shape only the owner knows on a nine-square grid - will also include a magnifying tool, to make zooming in on web content easier on a small screen, and a mobile version of the game Pac Man.

A magnifying tool? Pac Man!? What am I doing dicking around with BrickBreaker? And how long must I continue to wait for a cell phone that will pay my bills and have sex with me?

Y'know how we've been all flippant and snarky (we hate that "word" but it seems appropriate) about The New York Times as of late? Complaining about their bullshit, hokey, juvenile coverage of "chick flicks" and TV chefs using the f-word? Well, bilious as we've been, we haven't harbored hatred for the paper, just an acute feeling of disgust with wasted opportunity. It's hurt us to see pages of drivel that could have been used for good. Today, however, we officially hate the Times:

ONLY one thing stood, or lay, between Alexandra Avlonitis and domestic bliss after she renovated her Roxbury, Conn., bathroom: the toothbrushes. Each one was a different size, ergonomic shape and amalgam of voluptuous injection-molded plastics. The only thing they had in common was that none fit into the handsome toothbrush holder she’d bought.
…
Joanne Rowe, a certified hand therapist in Manhattan, said that people with arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome, or who have recently had hand surgery, might find a toothbrush with a wider handle more convenient. “If you have a hand injury and you need to hold your toothbrush with some force, it will be easier to hold,” she said.

You'll be displeased to know that this goes on for THREE FUCKING PAGES!!!!!!!!!

But soft, not everyone has embraced the insanity: "Both Colgate and Johnson & Johnson declined to discuss their stockier toothbrushes … " Until right now, we had always hated seeing corporate fat cats snow the media.