Want further proof that change is sweeping the nation? Look no further than MTV's trailer for the new Real World, Real World: Brooklyn. Rather than advertising the show as a relentless, vodka-infused fuck party, as it has for years now, the station is attempting to sell the upcoming season as one of introspection and growth. ("What are you hiding?" asks the clip.)

Let's get real: Real World: Brooklyn is going to be nothing more than an excruciating, vodka-infused fuck party – this time with stressed out war vets handling knives!!!!!! – but it is interesting that MTV is suddenly trying to pretend there's still some meaning to its anemic pet project.

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Here, in 136 words, is all that's wrong with America:

Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether. According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes. School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day. So the district decided to call off school the Friday before the game. And Clarke County is not alone; the schools in nearby Madison and Oglethorpe counties also are taking the day off.

JONAS BROS JUMP THE GASSY DOG "Another hot Disney Channel act is poised to make a bigscreen splash — at 20th Century Fox. Fox has locked the Jonas Brothers to make their feature starring debut in 'Walter the Farting Dog.' Based on a bestselling series of books by William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray, the film is being adapted by Alec Sokolow and Joel Cohen into a family film that will revolve around Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, as well as their younger brother Frankie. … The title character in the 'Walter' books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away."

DIVA-ISH LOHAN'S 'BETTY' GIG AXED EARLY "It got so ugly on the set of 'Ugly Betty' between Lindsay Lohan and the popular ABC show's star, America Ferrera, that Lohan was cut from an agreed-upon six episodes to four. One production source said, 'It was a mess.' … One episode, titled 'Granny Pants,' was about how Lohan, playing Betty's high school nemesis, would 'de-pants' Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan's pants instead. 'Lindsay wasn't wearing any underwear,' the source said. But a Lohan pal fumed, 'Bullshit! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America's fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn't supposed to pull Lindsay's pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying.' … The pal blames Ferrera for any issues, saying, 'America was mean to Lindsay. Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn't do the last two episodes because America didn't like her and got her kicked off.'"

Hero merman Michael Phelps is rumored to be dating Barbara Walters' assistant, with whom he went to college. The young lady's very accordant name? Marina.

SHE'S KICKED DEPRESSION, NOW HOW ABOUT THE ALCOHOLISM? Emotionally stunted young actress Kirsten Dunst, who recently left rehab after battling "depression," is apparently celebrating her newfound happiness with some joyful, enriching boozing. Tipsters spotted her this week looking "appropriately trashed" at an LA bar called the Rubbish Bin.

An 11-year-old in [Colorado] says his first amendment rights are being trampled after he was suspended for wearing a homemade shirt that reads "Obama is a terrorist's best friend."
…
The boy's father Dann Dalton describes himself as a "proud conservative" who has taken part in some controversial anti-abortion protests. Dalton says the school made a major mistake by suspending his son for wearing the shirt.

"It's the public school system," Dalton says. "Let's be honest, it's full of liberal loons."

[Source]

The Olsen twins are currently in a fight so stupid and easily mended it could serve as a plot to another of their low-budget children's movies just as soon as they hire a desperate enough screenwriter.

It's like this: Mary-Kate and Ashley started two fashion labels together, The Row, a couture line, and Elizabeth and James, a more affordable brand. Both lines are now suffering and Ashley, who's very focused on becoming a "respected businesswoman," believes the failure is due in large part to sister Mary-Kate's partying. Cocaine, as we're sure you know, is a helluva drug.

The rest of the story's all about good lines. Ashley wants MK away from the good line, The Row, until she can cool it with her own, special good lines and the smoking and the drinking, basically all the stuff that makes the fashion industry tolerable.

MK is left to focus on the cheap stuff, er, the more affordable line, Elizabeth and James, “It’s tough because The Row was so much of Mary-Kate’s idea. Mary-Kate has a unique fashion sense,” notes the insider.

“I just see myself more as a business person,” Ashley says.

Great idea, Ashley: give the wasted young millionaire LESS responsibility. That always shapes them right up.

A few weeks ago, the children were freak dancing, presumably with the support of a filming guardian. Today, they're being goaded by an adult into violently berating another little girl who they say is "big in the stomach."

Videos like this always remind me of a great Keanu Reeves quote from 1989's Parenthood:

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Click through for the NSFW, horrifying clip.

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LINDSAY LOHAN ON A RAMPAGE First a paparazzo, now Sarah Palin: "'I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin,' the actress, 22, wrote on her MySpace blog Sunday. … Although Lohan said she feels 'it's necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman', the star believes that Palin … isn't ready to run the country. She said, 'I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor, which is probably all she is qualified to be. Oh, and… Hint Hint Pali Pal - Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!' Lohan … also referenced Palin's views on homosexuality. 'Is it a sin to be gay?' Lohan asked. 'Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock? Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?'"

Enormously talented and truly unique writer David Foster Wallace hanged himself on Friday at his home in California. He was just 46.

I can't recommend everything DFW wrote, but if there's one thing I'd ask you to indulge me and look at, it's his 2005 Kenyon College commencement address. It shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to read, but its effect lingers. Enjoy.

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MOORE TAKES REVOLUTIONARY STEP IN FILM DISTRIBUTION "Michael Moore is bringing his latest film, 'Slacker Uprising,' to the masses via free online distribution. The film, which played last year’s Toronto Film Festival under the title 'Captain Mike Across America,' follows Moore’s 62-city tour during the 2004 election to rally young voters. … 'This is being done entirely as a gift to my fans,' Moore said. 'The only return any of us are hoping for is the largest turnout of young voters ever at the polls in November. I think 'Slacker Uprising' will inspire million to get off the couch and give voting a chance.' The $2 million doc will be promoted at the website slackeruprising.com but Moore said neither he nor [his production company] will profit from the release. … The 97-minute long 'Slacker Uprising' will be the first major film to be released in such a way."

Perhaps scared away by the massive public outpouring of shock/interest/disgust/horniness that followed her intensely freckled, nude photo shoot for New York magazine, Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page spread in Playboy. This despite the fact that a simple Google search will turn up numerous photographs enlightening a person as to what each and every one of the young actress' private parts look like.

It's the end of an era, people. And you know what? Good for her.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How great! Protest has become so boring and antiquated to young people that they now openly mock it at political conventions. Isn't that funny? I'm laughing so much I feel hopeless and sick to my stomach.

After the jump, the Denver Crystal Pepsi supporters' manifesto.

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Reportedly displeased with girlfriend Drew Barrymore's excessive drinking, Justin "Mac" Long dumped her and went looking for greener, more sober pastures; so it makes little sense that he's stopped to graze on noted alcohol enthusiast Kirsten Dunst.

Long and Dunst were recently spotted together at LA's Sunset Junction music festival, "making out hardcore" in the margarita line.

MTV has put out a casting call for their newest shockingly ill-conceived reality show, Model Makers, which will feature young girls being judged on how well they slim down in order to prove their love of the catwalk. So disturbing, but not anything new for reality television, which as of late actually seemed to be pulling back from the precarious brink of Milf Island:

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We're not usually the type to agree with the boomers who rant about how our youth are being polluted by a society that abuses sex in pop culture, but when seven-year-olds are behaving exactly like people do in the worst of rap videos, we have to admit that perhaps there's something to that argument.

Don't watch the video above if you don't want to begin your day with something awfully depressing.

Snooty British actor Sir Ben Kingsley – who really seriously insists on being called "Sir Ben" – recently told an American reporter that he thinks the entertainment industry fucks with the heads of its youthful stars:

Some young people are told they’re actors and they’re not. It’s unfair to exploit a young person who may look good on a magazine cover and tell them they can be in movies. You’re lifting their expectations so high and then pulling the rug from under their feet when the audience gives them a thumbs-down. We throw people away too easily but should never invite them in the first place.

For a peek at exactly what SBK is talking about, shift your gaze four inches below this line of text.