The Hills is returning next Monday, and the tabloids all got in on the reality show gossip this week — Lauren pulls a Heidi and gives Us Weekly an exclusive interview about how she was betrayed, and Audrina whores herself out to two magazines, attempting to get her own clothing line and insisting she doesn't want a boyfriend.

Life & Style continues to creep us out with their Baby Suri obsession. We're just waiting for an arrest to be made — or for an L&S staffer to appear on Dateline's To Catch a Predator.

Also this week: Jen scores two covers, Brangelina's clan is becoming the Brady Bunch and Adnan sends annoying text messages. Sounds fun, right?

Us Weekly
Cover: Oh, Lauren. Not you too. The Hills' star gives Us an exclusive on how both Brody and Audrina betrayed her. Ever the victim, LC says Brody would never call her his girlfriend but immediately got serious with the next girl he dated — and Audrina had the audacity to invite nemesis Heidi over to the apartment the girls share. Has Lauren forgotten that her life is a reality show?
• Ashley Dupre, the hooker behind Eliot Spitzer's prostitution scandal, gets a four-page spread in this week's issue. Does Us realize all this information has been covered 100 times since last week?
• Mel Gibson took Britney Spears to dinner "because he thought he could help her." Mel, honey, no amount of anti-Jew tirades are going to make Brit return to normal. The perfect example of sobriety, Mel believes he understands her, but that's not exactly something to brag about.

In Touch
Cover: The tabs are still convinced Brangelina twins are coming, and In Touch reports the couple will soon be parents to a boy and girl, keeping their male-female count in perfect harmony. "Now they're like the Brady Bunch!" the mag declares — thank God, we were so worried they wouldn't achieve their goal of becoming a Nick at Nite family.
• Oh, boy. Adnan's other woman — no, not his wife — is giving an exclusive to In Touch in which she swears she didn't steal Britney's boyfriend. Then she shows us texts he sent her: "I miss you … Ur face ur smile the taste of your lips and most of all I miss ur heart !!!!!!!!" If anyone ever sent us texts like that we would dump them in a heartbeat. It must be the landing strip — it lures in unsuspecting victims and annoys them with 14-year-old text-speak.
• Audrina doesn't want a boyfriend. Seriously. So everyone can stop lining up and chill out. The Hills' co-star is getting serious about "acting," and we're anticipating that career to be as successful as Heidi's "music."

Life & Style
Cover: Life & Style is back to obsessing over Baby Suri. She's been missing for "61 days and counting at press time." We have a theory about Suri's disappearance, and it involves a kidnapping scheme and an L&S staffer.
• Britney and Jamie Lynn are feuding now that Brit has gained some mental clarity. She's hurt that her younger sister kept the news of her pregnancy from her, so to retaliate, Brit is reminding JL that her baby will be born our of wedlock. That's true, Brit, but that child will likely be much better off than your two boys. Just a thought.
• Vanessa Minnillo, best known for being on TRL and holding knives to her throat with Lindsay Lohan, took a jab at her boyfriend Nick Lachey's ex, Jessica Simpson. At some D-list event, Vanessa was in charge of picking teams for a dodgeball game and selected a girl named Jessica: "I won't hold it against you," she promised. That's big of her.

Star
Cover: Jen Aniston, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are in some ridiculous love triangle, which is sure to be healthy for Owen after last year's suicide attempt. And who knew Jen had time to be lusting after Owen? We thought she was too busy being jealous of Brangelina.
• Speaking of love triangles: Lindsay Lohan is caught up in a similar predicament — with two girls. LiLo's former roommate is reportedly in love with her, but Samantha Ronson is the one getting most of Lindsay's attention, including romantical MySpace messages about how Linds wants to marry Sam and have children with her. Someone needs to tell her how babies are made.
• Star is convinced Jamie Spears wants Britney and K-Fed to rekindle the old STD-enhanced flame in order for Brit to fully recover. Because that's just what those kids need: Mommy and Daddy getting back together and breaking up, over and over.

OK!
Cover: Jen Aniston's secret to losing seven pounds in seven days is a big joke: Her 10 tips include dieting, loving yourself, laughing, and spending time with friends. Truly groundbreaking.
• Grey's Anatomy star Justin Chambers talks to OK! about his recent stint in rehab to treat a sleeping disorder: "I feel great, thank you." Well, that's informative. Not satisfied just sticking to the original topic of conversation, the mag then asks about his last "romantic moment" and goes into a vasectomy discussion. And yes, it's as awkward as it sounds.
• After discovering Lauren, Heidi and Whitney had their own clothing lines in the works, Audrina wanted in on the venture as well — but her agent informed her nobody is interested because Audrina's look isn't popular. Seems plastic surgery chic is all the rage right now.