Britney Spears’ successful TV guest appearance earned her a feature in all five tabs this week, and only Star made up a scandalous story to sell more magazines. Congrats, Brit — we missed you.
You know who else is a tabloid winner this week? Brit’s ex, Kevin Federline. The father of the year shows up in practically every mag this week due to his 30th birthday disaster and a special “Look, I’m a good guy!” exclusive.
Cover: Us Weekly tells everyone about the love story of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, America’s cutest — yet most boring — couple ever. Sources expect the two to get married sometime soon because Jake is the opposite of ex Ryan Phillippe. Reese says she has had her ups and downs, but we don’t have much sympathy for someone who has dated both Ryan and Jake.
• Us is back on rumor patrol, this time shooting down allegations that Drew Lachey is having an affair with his Dancing With the Stars partner Cheryl Burke. This would be a scandalous story if it were 1998.
• Heidi Montag is back with yet another exclusive for Us: Her latest
travesty single, “No More,” was written while she and Spencer were going through their fake break-up. Also ridiculous: She hopes to temporarily chance the iconic “Hollywood” sign to say “Heidiwood.”
Cover: Brangelina’s upcoming wedding of the century: You think In Touch will be getting an invite? Angie reportedly decided to marry Brad with some persuasion from Maddox. That’s how every love story starts: Being pressured into marriage by a third party.
• K-Fed gives In Touch an exclusive, claiming, “I will always love the mothers of my children, and I will always be there for both of them.” That sounds sweet until you realize he has to be there for them or he would be without a meal ticket.
• The Hills co-star Audrina Patridge took nude photos when she was fresh out of high school and worked at Hooters. So she’s a slut — who cares? Well, In Touch cares, because the mag spoke to the photographer of those pics, who says they were actually taken in 2005, not in 2003 like Audrina claimed. That still doesn’t change the fact that she is desperately seeking attention.
Life & Style
Cover: At home with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden — and no, Life & Style wasn’t actually invited into the couple’s home. The mag’s stalkers just pieced together random interviews and used those patented stalking techniques to bring you a day in the life of Paris’ former BFF. L&S says the couple doesn’t have a nanny. Really? Really?
• K-Fed reminds us why we didn’t like him in the first place: At his 30th birthday party in Vegas, he and his friends threw ice onto the dance floor and on everyone in the VIP area. Klassy. He also gave a profanity-filled “rap” before being asked to leave.
• How Britney got thin for TV: The answer will shock you. Kinda. Except not really. During her appearance on How I Met Your Mother, Brit had professionals taking care of hair, makeup and lighting that made her look slimmer.
Cover: Katie Holmes reportedly collapsed while having lunch out in LA, and Star thinks Tom Cruise is to blame. Obvs. Sources say Tom has a whole other life outside his family that Katie isn’t allowed to ask about. It’s called being gay, Katie — no need to ask questions.
• Star attempts to gain back credibility by showing how stars lie all the time — so even if they deny a tabloid story, Star is likely telling the truth … at least according to the mag. We revisit all the “scandals,” including J.Lo’s pregnancy, Britney’s boob job and Star Jones’ weight loss.
• Speaking of lies, Star has the “scoop” on Brit’s latest TV appearance: After getting into a screaming match with Jamie Lynn via phone, “Britney came back into the room giggling and asking those around her if they liked puppies.” Actually, that sounds credible.
Cover: OK! treads into Life & Style territory with its feature on babies Shiloh and Suri, but luckily the mag just runs a bunch of pictures to remind us of how awesome these kids’ lives are compared to ours. Thanks, OK!
• Britney’s back — at least according to OK! — thanks to dad Jamie. Well, duh. The only new information in the story is the fact that someone actually thinks it’s a good idea to give Brit her own sitcom. Who is this person, and what do we have to do to make them change their mind?
• Paula Abdul has a hidden camera in her bedroom, but — praise Xenu — it’s not what it sounds like. Sources say Paula “sleep dances” and tapes all her moves so she can remember them in the morning “to see what positions she’s mastered.” … She really is crazy, isn’t she?
Thank God little Suri and whats her face are alive! Now I can sleep tonight. Thats a huuuuge load off my mind.
if the tabs did talk so much crap on britney, people would think shes ok. thanks for ruining her image! she needs some friends like the kardashians or someone to just help her. she needs real friends and a real genuine hug!
Elle…are you really a Kardashian? I think I am blowing your cover, Kim!