Judging from this week's tabloid covers, it was an uneventful week in Hollywood, besides the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married in an anticlimactic top secret ceremony. Luckily, for all five of you who care, Us Weekly has the mundane details.

Britney only made one cover this week, which must mean her road to recovery has been going smoothly over the last seven days. But not so fast! In Touch swears the trainwreck is having a relapse, complete with bloody scalps and bald spots. Yum.

Also this week: Us finds yet another angle to the presidential race, some stars lost baby weight and Kim Kardashian continues to whore out her "exclusives" for the spotlight.

Us Weekly
Cover: Us takes everyone inside Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding, complete with the wedding playlist and wardrobe choices (Jay-Z wore Tom Ford, B wore a "poufy" dress designed by her mom). The mag assures us this marriage is for keeps, because people who like the number four are "soldiers of love." Oooookay.
• Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama have a battle of the essays to win Us readers' support for their spouses in the presidential election. Michelle wins by a landslide, but only because she knows to whom she's speaking: Bill's 2,000-word diatribe will surely lose the audience after the first sentence. … Not that any Us readers are registered to vote.
• Kim Kardashian spills about Jessica Alba's boring baby shower, presumably because she has no other excuse to make a tabloid appearance this week.

In Touch
Cover: Britney is suffering a relapse, according to In Touch insiders: She's acting bizarrely and pulling out her hair, causing her scalp to bleed. Grossed out yet? No? She's also bragging about sleeping with her new bodyguards. Which still begs the question: Why is anyone having sex with Britney Spears?
• We're ashamed of liking Leona Lewis' new song, "Bleeding Love." Turns out it was written by none other than Jesse McCartney, JDate extraordinaire. Who knew he was good at anything other than being a douchebag?
• Bobby Brown reveals why he's writing a tell-all about his relationship with Whitney Houston: "I have to do what I have to do." Which obviously means he's hard up for cash — and to further prove our point, he goes on to complain about Whitney not wanting to sell the DVD of their reality show because she doesn't understand that he needs the money. Class act, that Bobby Brown.

Life & Style
Cover: Life & Style is sharing the secrets to how J.Lo lost the weight after giving birth to her twins — it includes eating right and staying active. You writing this down? Also, she installed a $50,000 gym in her home. So you should probably get on that so you, too, can lose 40 pounds in a matter of weeks.
• Jamie Lynn spent a lonely 17th birthday in Mississippi while the rest of her family tended to the sister who has more trouble than just a teenage pregnancy. But that doesn't mean JL didn't have a total blast: Baby daddy Casey Aldridge took her to Wal-Mart and Ruby Tuesday, where "she made two trips to the salad bar."
• The world has officially gone to hell: Perez Hilton was invited to the White House Correspondents' Association dinner as a guest of the Bloomberg network. Since we've got him and Bush in the same room, can we hope for some sort of terrorist attack?

Star
Cover: Winners of the post-baby body battle include Christina Aguilera, Keri Russell and J.Lo. Is it really fair for Star to also include starving Ethiopian-like Nicole Richie, who, at her heaviest during the pregnancy, was 125 pounds?
• Ellen DeGeneres and her talk show may be sued by a former audience member who experienced heart problems while dancing along to Ellen's opening monologue. Um, if this person has problems with swaying back and forth for 30 seconds, perhaps they are either too old or out of shape to be getting involved in legal battles. But what do we know?
• Britney wrote an eight-page apology letter to K-Fed, explaining that she loves him deeply and wants a second chance now that she is on the road to recovery. If this is indeed true, expect the letter to be making an exclusive appearance on TMZ within a week after the staffers dig through Kevin's trash.

OK!
Cover: Jen Aniston has taken a break from moping over Brangelina and writing a supposed tell-all about Brad Pitt to have a romance with Orlando Bloom. Except this is OK! we're talking about, so there's obviously nothing going on besides a coincidental meeting at a fund-raiser. Also? Orlando has an Australian supermodel girlfriend, which puts a kink in that whole romance-with-Jen thing.
• While Posh was out of town, David Beckham met a girl at a Hollywood nightclub and texted her the entire night. OK! assures us he didn't cross the line because he went home alone, but the mag obviously has low standards.
• Lauren Conrad has a crush on Zac Efron, which proves she has yet to get over the stage where she wants unattainable guys — she's simply moved from druggies and womanizers to the gays.