In the winner's corner: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer dominated the tabloids this week, with most publications declaring them the hot new couple. There's not much to be negative about, except for the fact that any relationship involving Jen is doomed to fail.

In the loser's corner: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are competing to see who can make it to the altar first, because isn't that what romance is all about? We can't decide who's the bigger loser in this situation — the Simpsons or their poor significant others.

Also this week: Britney continues to get her act together, Lindsay gets mixed reviews and Angelina is possibly getting married. But don't hold your breath.

Us Weekly
Winners: Jen Aniston and John Mayer are "hot and heavy," and Us is convinced this relationship will be good for Jen, against all odds. Star Jones is happy after ending her marriage with Al Reynolds. Mariah Carey is in a new not-so-secret-anymore relationship with Nick Cannon. No word on how he manages to put up with her antics.
Losers: In a story meant to be about how happy Jessica Simpson's life is with Tony Romo, Jess comes across as a desperate clinger who "would die if this thing ever ended." Yikes. Heidi Montag was described as a "vamp" on the Rolling Stone cover shoot.

In Touch
Winners: More Jen and John romance nonsense, complete with an "exclusive" which consists of John saying his weekend was good … and that's it. Lindsay Lohan has a reversal of fortune this week when the mag reports she moved in with lesbian pal Samantha Ronson, who is deemed a good influence.
Losers: Lauren Conrad gets the Mean Girls treatment because she makes poor little victimized Audrina feel "left out." Britney loses last week's winning status as In Touch reports her crazy behavior cost her $61 million.

Life & Style
Winners: Britney is still getting her act together — and considering a reconciliation with K-Fed — for the kids. Jamie Lynn is having a girl and preparing for the baby's arrival like a good mom. Anything is better than Britney's maternal instincts.
Losers: Life & Style isn't jumping on the Jen and John boat yet, insinuating that unlucky-in-love Jen is in over her head. Star Jones didn't get her fairy tale ending with probably-gay ex Al Reynolds. But the biggest losers are the readers, who are treated to this sentence: "Who knew I could get rid of my butt acne with an hour-long fanny facial!"

Star
Winners: Poor Katie Holmes gets the victim treatment this week for being duped by Tom Cruise and entering a Scientology boot camp. Sounds fun. Britney is "so much better," thanks to her sons, also referred to as her little angels.
Losers: Miley Cyrus is a lying slut. Or, at least, according to Star, who swears the 15-year-old Disney star isn't even a virgin. Nicole Richie is torn between being a mom and being the life of the party. The Simpson sisters are in a race to the altar, because it's all about them.

OK!
Winners: Britney is still getting the royal treatment with another story about her new body. Brangelina are rumored to be celebrating their "fairytale romance" with a small ceremony, because Angie wants their marriage to be nothing like Brad and Jen's.
Losers: Speaking of Jen, did you hear she's dating John Mayer? Because OK! thinks it's a terrible idea, and Jen is due to have her heart broken … again. And Teri Hatcher is complaining about an episode of Desperate Housewives that ages her five years. What happened to "anything for the craft"?