This week features the return of Brangelina. We hadn't missed them at all, but In Touch insisted on bringing back their favorite couple to grace the cover of this week's magazine. The story: Pregnancy rumors, again.

In other news, Heidi and Spencer are back to annoy us even more, and Britney continues to be absolutely insane. K-Fed is supposedly selling her out. Who would have guessed such a good parent would have ulterior motives?

Also this week: Intern Whitney, along with the state of Texas, hates Jessica Simpson and was totally right about Dannielynn being cross-eyed.

Us Weekly
Cover: Trista from The Bachelorette (Who? What?) tells Us how she got her body back after giving birth to her son in July. Because it's been a couple weeks since a diet story, what with all the Britney hooplah from last week. Here's a shocker: Trista lost weight by sticking to a strict diet and exercising regularly.
• Us asked 100 people on NYC's Madison Avenue who best wore Juicy Couture's faux-fur hooded jacket best: Britney Spears, Fergie or Suri Cruise? Fergie took home the prize with 55 percent of the votes, followed by Suri in a close second with 40 percent. And poor Britney can't catch a break: she only got 5 votes. Even a toddler is hotter than Britney.
• It was only a matter of time before Britney's cousin Alli Sims sold her out, and luckily Us was there with the exclusive. We stopped reading when Alli insisted Britney is neither crazy nor is she on drugs. Please. Alli then describes a typical night out at the club with Brit: "Guys don't even come up to our table," she complains. We can't imagine why not.
• This weekend was full of births, and Us is all over it: Nicole and Christina's babies were born within a day of each other, and both moms are in good health. "The day after, Nicole cried," according to a source. "I think she felt a little overwhelmed." Oh come on, it's not like she won't have 10 nannies doing all the work for her.

In Touch
Cover: After weeks of "breaking up," this time Brangelina are expecting a child, at least according to In Touch. Fantastic. And the proof of this rumor is Angie's boobs. Because nothing says "I'm pregnant" like a push-up bra.
• Who didn't see this one coming? Britney wrote a suicide note and left it on her bathroom counter just days before The Breakdown. "It was filled with reasons she shouldn't live," says a source. "She said in it she was sorry for never making her life what everyone else wanted." When confronted with the note, Britney laughed it off. See: she's sane.
• This would be a groundbreaking story: Lindsay finally takes off her leggings! "Over the past five weeks, the sexy starlet could have set a Guinness World Record for spandex when she wore leggings more than 21 days, including 12 days in a row!" a creepy In Touch reporter explains. We have no words.

Life & Style
Cover: Heidi swears the only way she'll marry Spencer is if he grows up and starts acting like a man. Or, of course, if MTV offers to film the wedding and give them their own reality show. After a recent trip to Mexico, Heidi said she was throwing up nonstop. She says it's food poisoning, but L&S thinks it's due to Spencer Stress. What, is bulimia over?
• L&S gets down to the bottom of Britney's mental problems, saying she's bipolar. But then they go and name their story "Britney's Multiple Personalities," which isn't the same condition.
• Is Pamela Anderson preggers? Does anybody really care? She's almost as crazy as Britney. Apparently the media insists she is, noting that she revealed the news to soon-to-be-ex Rick Salomon after filing for divorce. That's always a good time to drop the baby bomb. Friends suspect she may be using it as a threat of some sort, and now Rick's "desperate to win her back." What a healthy relationship.

Star
Cover: K-Fed is planning to write a tell-all book chronicling Britney Spears's craziness, which was promptly denied by his reps. "Insiders say it will include damning descriptions of Britney's mental state, dysfunctional family, wild sex life, addictions and violent outbursts." In other words, everything the tabs have already covered.
• David Spade and a Playboy playmate are expecting a secret love child, but wait! David's not sure if the baby's even his. Have some faith, Dave. These playmates know what they're doing when it comes to milking celebrities for all they're worth. Now just suck it up, write the child support check and be on your way.
• Eva Longoria and husband Tony Parker fight like crazy, according to "sources," and poor little Tony is constantly beaten up by his wife. Really, Star? Are we supposed to believe that tiny Eva Longoria is seriously putting an NBA player in danger? If that's the case, someone should send Britney over to his house and whip him into fighting shape.

OK!
Cover: Here's a good idea: Britney's trying to get pregnant again! And to top it off, she plans to convert to Islam for new paparazzi-boyfriend Adnan. Although the guy's father has disowned him, a pal insists that Dad would accept both Adnan and Britney "if she became a Muslim and they got married." Has everyone forgotten that they guy is already married?
• Jessica Simpson is devastated by Dallas Cowboy fans' hatred for her, especially after the team's playoff loss this past weekend. Intern Whitney would like to be included in that group. She's beefed up security and, to cover all her bases, she has threated Romo's ex, Carrie Underwood,, to stay away. I'm sure Underwood will gladly oblige … that relationship is obviously a trainwreck.
• We've been saying it since the beginning of time, and OK! finally confirms: Dannielynn, daughter of the late Anna Nicole, is cross-eyed. Doctors want her to start wearing an eye patch to strengthen her weaker eye, and are we going to hell for laughing about this story?