Congrats to Lynne Spears! This week, her daughters had a monopoly on all the covers — Jamie Lynn still has some work to do, however, because she only appeared on one compared to Britney's four. It seems the crazy trumps teen pregnancy every time.

Besides the onslaught of Britney drama, there's lots of Hills gossip and Hollywood stars who still refuse to come out of the closet. What more could you ask for? Exclusives with Tara Reid and Amy Winehouse? OK! has you covered!

So let's travel to a world where suicide threats and kidnapping are the norm, and Britney seems to have hit rock bottom. But for some reason, Intern Whitney still isn't so sure.

Us Weekly
Cover: Britney's a time bomb: "Can she be saved?" Us wonders. We're guessing they hope not, or else they're going to run out of cover stories. The mag treats us to eight pages of everything we heard in the news over the past week. Throw in a few comments from friends saying Britney's crazy (duh) and voila! Color us bored.
– Laguna Beach alum Stephen Colletti seems to have his eyes set on everyone's favorite Hills starlet, LC. The two had a fling in high school, and now they seem to be rekindling the romance. It's always a good idea to get back with that special someone who always chose Kristen over you.
– The new unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise is filled with explosive allegations, including the played-out rumor that Katie Holmes auditioned to be his girlfriend. Tom allegedly wooed Katie by cleaning her car, filling a limo with chocolates and flowers, and feeding her sushi on his private jet. Which makes us sad we missed that whole audition process.

In Touch
Cover: Preggers Jamie Lynn has been dumped by boyfriend Casey Aldridge because he has doubts that the baby is his. "Casey doesn't want to be with her until he's sure that he's the father," according to a source. But the source … is none other than Miss Britney Spears. Say what you will about In Touch, but they sure know how to get their hands on reliable sources.
– Hills star Audrina was spotted kissing Justin Bobby this weekend, but the kiss was initiated by JB and left her in tears. And thank god, because we were wondering how we would deal with season four of The Hills sans Justin Bobby. "Truth and time tells all." Indeed.
– Alert the press: Ryan Seacrest has a secret girlfriend that he has been dating for years. We already knew about that, In Touch. Except replace "girlfriend" with "boyfriend," and "for years" with "for hours." The girl said she was surprised when he introduced her as his girlfriend. That would surprise us, too, if one of our gay friends pretended we were dating.

Life & Style
Cover: What Britney's kids saw during the Standoff-Heard-'Round-the-World. After Jayden was taken from Britney, she "got really hysterical," an insider said. "When he saw her crying he broke into tears too." She told police during the time she locked herself and her son in the bathroom, she was just texting on her phone and eating animal crackers. We didn't realize you had to scream hysterically and lock the door to eat snacks. Interesting.
– Nicole Kidman is jumping on the pregnancy bandwagon. She and hubby Keith Urban had decided to keep it a secret until now. We're glad to see that worked out, what with everyone knowing weeks ago and all.
– Jessica Simpson still has her claws in beloved Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. They went on vacation together in Cabo with some of Tony's teammates — and Ma and Pa Simpson. Of course. A source says: "Jess got up in front of everyone and did a little wiggle and shake for him." And by "him," it's unclear whether the source meant Joe or Tony.

Star
Cover: More Britney coverage, this time with Star declaring her INSANE! We would call them out for being over dramatic, except they're totally not. But one thing Britney is? A good mother. A source claims she was half-naked in her bathtub in the dark screaming, "Kevin can have Sean, but I want Jayden with me!" … Those boys don't stand a chance.
– Another Britney story from Star, this time detailing her paparazzi boyfriend's life. "He has a violent past, a terrible temper — and a wife!" And? We're talking about Britney Spears, people. She made Kevin Federline look like father of the year. If we should be worried for anyone, it's this new guy.
– Tom Cruise lost his previous girlfriends due to Scientology, sources are claiming. Evidently the religion was just too much for the women to deal with, so they hit the road. Oh, and also: He's gay. That's hard for a girlfriend to deal with, as well.

OK!
Cover: The final pictures of Britney with her sons … taken by a real photographer! And Britney looks semi-decent! The photographer insists Britney is a great mom and goes on to discuss how she would die for her children to prove her love. It's a shame she couldn't do other, less dramatic thing, like showing up to custody hearings and court depositions.
– The mag scores an exclusive with Tara Reid, who claims she's not too thin and she's not anorexic. Then she goes on to discuss the importance of travel. "There's pictures you'll see of Balinese dancers and how simple their lives are. It's important to see that." Yes, Tara. Because you need to travel around the world to look at pictures.
– Another train wreck exclusive, and this time it's with Amy Winehouse. Shouldn't she be in jail or rehab or something? She says her weight isn't unhealthy, she just got dramatically thin because she gave up smoking weed. And took up smoking lots of crack, obvs.