It's been a slow news week for Hollywood, which means Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back to gracing the cover of Us Weekly and Brangelina are having problems again. It's the same song and dance, really.

Life & Style staffers continue to creep us out this week with their detailed floor plan of the Cruise family's new mansion and daily schedule of Tom, Katie and Suri. Is someone going to alert the police, or should we? Someone's bound to be doing something illegal.

Also this week: Prince Harry poops in the sand, Baby Shiloh has diaper rash and Marie Osmond is making up child abuse allegations. We miss Crazy Britney.

Us Weekly
Cover: Heidi and Spencer are back this week to talk about how Spence may or may not have cheated (we'll see in the upcoming season when they perform for the cameras). Heidi swears Spencer betrayed her; he says, "We have different interpretations of cheating." Heidi clears it all up by saying they're the happiest couple ever: "He always makes me laugh when he's not making me cry."
• Us goes inside Prince Harry's secret mission in Afghanistan: He hated the food, didn't shower for days and went "No. 2 in the sand." Fascinating. Sign us up.
• Chris Brown and Rihanna jetted off to Barbados to share a romantic getaway, complete with "frolicking in the pool." A friend of Chris' calls it a "special friendship," also known as "benefriends."

In Touch
Cover: In Touch digs up a "source" who claims Britney Spears' issues stem from the fact that she was possibly raped. Brit reportedly refers to herself as "Baby" and speaks with a baby voice. As long as it's not that British accent, we are on board.
• Benji Madden has "finally" tamed Paris, according to the mag. Paris thinks Benji's "the one," and has even been cooking for him. Sounds like true love to us — it's already been a week, why are they not engaged yet?
• Last season's American Idol winner Jordin Sparks said she loves Paula Abdul's new single, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." She went on to say that she tried to watch the music video but her computer froze. That's because your computer has taste, Jordin.

Life & Style
Cover: This week L&S moves past its creepy Shiloh Jolie-Pitt obsession to focus on another young Hollywood child: Suri Cruise. One of the mag's staffers knows the Cruise family's daily schedule, down to what Katie eats for breakfast. And this family is just like us: "[Katie] doesn't do things like laundry or wash dishes, but she does draw her own bath and pick up the phone." Wow, how does she do it all?
• Tony Romo spoke to L&S about his romance with Jessica Simpson. He swears the two have no plans to get engaged or make babies, but he does love her family: "Joe is a fun guy to be around. I've only been around him three or four times, talking to Jess." You're not fooling anybody, Tony. We are familiar with the ways of Papa Joe.
• Mischa Barton shows off her fabulous friendship skills, claiming that she catches up with pal Rachel Bilson "by seeing her on the news."

Star
Cover: Here's something different: Brad and Angelina are having problems. Despite Star's claims that the two recently got engaged, Brad is tired of Angelina's diva behavior. You know what we're tired of? Brangelina.
• Oh, what a tangled web Hollywood weaves. This week Britney finally dumped Adnan after discovering text messages from his new lady friend, Amanda Pagel. Who is this new girl, you ask? She's a model who is rumored to be dating Perry, one of the competitors on Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel — which is hosted by Tyson Beckford, a friend of Brit's who appeared in her "Toxic" music video. All these people need to be tested to make sure there's no incest going on.
• Quick, mark your calendars: Marie Osmond is releasing a new tell-all. She decided to spice up the book by making up fake child abuse stories. Because those are always hilarious.

OK!
Cover: More Brangelina nonsense, this time complete with tacky stereotypical Texas decor. "Brad and Angie: Expectin' a Texan!" the headline announces as we try not to roll our eyes out of our head. The couple plans to stay in Smithville, Texas, while Brad films a new movie and Angie gives birth. OK! also informs us that "Shiloh's got horrible diaper rash." We were just wondering about that.
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are reportedly back together, and nobody is too happy about it. Kate's friends are worried that he will have a negative affect on her. Um, judging by history, shouldn't it be the other way around?
• OK! completely gives up on trying to break any new stories with its "If Tinseltown Took Washington" spread. Good for them? Oprah is declared President with Gayle King as her First BFF. Paris Hilton is Press Secretary and the American Idol judges are the Supreme Court. … We need a drink.