The missives contained in Mollygood’s comments sections run the gamut from funny to enlightening to choleric to unreadable, but rarely are they boring and even rarer (thankfully) are they peppered with “OMG she is hottttttttt!” or “z”s in the place of “s”s. Since the swift death of Mollygood, Bad and Poetic, the best of these bon mots have gone relatively unnoticed. The Commies will change all that. Each week, the very best will be highlighted here for greater public consumption and, of course, judgment.
Best parenting skills: queencrone
I would have loved to have at least ONE prodigy child.
Take this little eloquent child, I would “stage mother negotiate” her into a book deal or two and many speaking engagements, while she’s still young and cute.
Keep writing baby, momma needs another keg!
Most innocent view of love: ilnazhad
I’m all about saving myself for the man I love. You know, so he can piss all over me. ROMANCE!!
Best description of Hayden Panettiere's new song: cooter
The best part of the song was when they said “on air with Ryan Seacrest”.
Most qualified to become Star's new Editor-in-Chief: Lale
I will be first in line to buy the Star magazine that features “Best And Worst Celeb Kids’ Bodies!”
Inside, we’ll see “Kindergarten Cankles!” and “No Longer Distended Toddler Bellies!” Now, instead of just judging myself against disgusting fatties like “size 2″ Jennifer Love Hewitt, I’ll also be able to compare my four year-old daughter to her Hollywood counterparts! I can see it now…Look Sofia, that Shilo’s butt is way bigger than yours, and not in a good way. Ooh, and look at Emme’s gross double chin! Someone better lay off whe whole milk, stat. And excuse me, but does Violet Affleck have dimples that aren’t on her cheeks? What a nasty cow. Yes, Sofia, you can have a snack. Grab yourself a Diet Coke and a grape..
Most eloquent joke: sar
The 90’s also left a message about wanting the joke about eras calling and asking for things back, back.
Most likely to replace Pat O'Brien: killorn
“And tonight’s top story, the first baby ever born with black bangs. That’s right, baby Edward MySpace Beetlejuice, born Halloween night to pop royalty Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson and named after all of the couple’s favorite Tim Burton movies, arrived into the world in fashion with a shock of black asymmetrical bangs falling over one of his little baby eyes. What’s more, we are getting reports that baby Juicey jumped up off the birthing table and crawled into the bathroom to take a picture of himself in the reflection in the mirror before retreating to don an adorable Nightmare Before Christmas infant hoodie. Unbelievable!”
“Thanks Pat, looks like Pete and Ashlee have another hit on their hands!”
Best. Idea. Ever: Keeblerkahn
If we want to stop this celebrity baby thing there is only one thing to do. It’s been touched on in this post but no one want to step up and be the bad guy, so I’ll do it. To stop this infestation we need to introduce the babies natural enemy in to the mix. I purpose we air drop 10,000 dingos on Hollywood. Don’t go getting all bleeding heart PETA on me. I’m not just gonna toss them out of the plane, they will all have little helmets and parachutes. This whole thing will be cleared up in no time. And the next time some star even thinks about having a kid they will remember Dingo Drop ‘08 and just go buy another little dog instead.
Editor
Thank you for bringing the commies every week, Whitney.
Sar, I ADORED your comment. I hate those jokes.
Some of the comments are fucking intimidating. They're just way too damn good.
Keebler, I really think you should start a gossip blog. As long as you don't ditch us. The meek will inherit the earth, you know?
Wooo hooo! Congrats everyone. A very strong showing this week. I laughed all over again, they were *that* good.
Yes, these commies™ were some of the best and I'm still fully supportive of Keeblers parachuting dingo plan. I'm off to petco to buy me some dingos
Keeblerkahn, you made me spit water all over my monitor. If only dingos took more babies. Dingo Drop 08, 09, 10, etc. HYSTERICAL…
brilliant!!!
sar, well done.
keebler, you scare me a little. i'm not kidding.
Even the commies cannot distract me from that fact that the loves of my life, QC and Cord, have been away for so long… OMX! What if they hooked up? I knew QC was being overly nice to me. Manipulative cock ferret.
ilz, bask in the glow of your commie. we can take care of those two-faced bastards later.
i have a feeling qc is off drinking beer and not telling us.
People get psyched over winning a commie? Underachievers!
Mine was the worst this time. It's only funny because I'm kinda being serious. And I'm so not proud of that.
I must report I found no dingos at petco. But what if we buy a bunch of ferrets and get them really angry?
Congrats to all you bitches & daddy.
Ilz that makes your commie even better than it already was.
For cock's sake. Why did I have to use my full name and talk about golden showers?
Big mistake. I feel so bad that I need STM to pee in my eyes. Pee in my eyes, STM, I need to be punished. C'mon. Oh… YES. YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. OH, XENU!!
that's a good girl, ilz. come to mama.
I just got a real yucky feeling from you two.
"Come to mama"? Whoa. You just grossed me out and I was talking about getting pissed on for sexual satisfaction.
Where's my happy place?
Stop talking about your vagina, juju. Sicko.
wheeee!
and might I say honorable mention to "draped head to toe in blood" from the Remi thread.
killorn, that was brilliant… can't wait for you to call my answering machine too :)
deimos, i didn't mean anything mean by my joke… i heart you.
stm, i'm sure you said something commieworthy this week so don't think you weren't noticed.
thanks mollygood for the commie! it's gonna be a good week again! :)
DEFINITELY honorable mention to draped…there were several comments in that thread that made me spit out my breakfast wine.
STM, I won't give you oral sex unless it is reciprocated. And by "unless it is reciprocated" I mean "unless you buy me some carnival cookies from Mr. Sub."
That's my no no area iln.
yeah, how is it that you're talking about me peeing in your eyes, and i get the gross card?
(note, i grossed myself out too.)
um…. yeah.
all peeing will recommence tomorrow. STM needs a break.
i SOOOOOOOOOOO don't know what that means, ilz.
and i'm scared to imagine.
i might retire "pee in my eyes" and go back to "kill me in the face."
less sexual confusion with the face killing.
besides, we should all be peeing in OUR OWN EYES. not each others'.
I already do that when I masturbate.
KIDDING
But only because that is physically impossible.
testing 123AIDS
It's not letting me post some of my comments and it's stressing me out.
I think I discovered the problem. You can't post the word AIDS.
Wordpress is fucking with me.
I had this one sweet-ass comment, but it won't let me post it. But all this crap is showing up.
this thread has taken a definite turn for the weird.
i blame heidi montag.
Sorry. I was just trying to get this one comment to come through. I give up.
ilz- i think we should just both be happy we got out of this thread alive without making ourselves look like crazy people.
what's that? oh, we *didn't* do that?
right. um. well.
carry on then.
:)
ISOSCELES
Too late you kookoo birds. I'm sending some dingos to your houses. Sorry, very angry ferrets.
Oh Sara, it's like you're seeing into our souls. I think there's no one we'd rather hang out with (virtually, that is) than a part-time model whom people describe as "amazing," and who takes liberties with punctuation. Where?do I enter my credit card information?
p.s. Yay for my Commie!
what happens when you click on those links, anyway? i find it hard to believe there are actually different dating websites for tall people, and for black people, and for people who like to date people of a different race, and for people who like to date dogs, and for people who like to date midgets.
i mean, when does it end? why can't a muslim chinese eskimo female just go out to a bar and meet a nice medium height mixed race chihuahua? why all the websites? can't we all just unvirtually get along?
MIDGETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIDGETS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AT
***WWW. SHORTY NEEDS A CUPBOARD TO HIDE IN.COM ***
Be Adequite, i have a question for you. Could you click through to my blog and email me? ("Who I am.")
Pretty please?
Consider it done :-)
Killorn owes me a coke! Since I called your commie it is now mine. I like regular coke :)
congrats to all. no worries sar.
I humbly accept my commie and would like to dedicate it to the fan boy I sat next to during the Dark Knight. Sometimes I think I am wasting my life, not really living up to me potential, then I come across someone who makes me think I'm doing ok. During the climax between Batman and the Joker he said to his friend, and everyone in a 5 row radius, "Dude, this movie is so fucking cool it's giving my wood." The theater was dark, but I wouldn't have been surprised to see a tepee in his pants. This one is for you dude.
Now I must make a retraction of a Commie dedication I made a few weeks back. When the Mini me sex tape scandal broke I dedicated a Commie to Ranae Shrider, Vern's girlfriend for taking one for the team. In light of recent events, namely news that she leaked the tape herself. I would like to retroactively dedicate that Commie to Vern and offer him my condolences for dating a whore.
Now that the official business is out of the way, what the hell people? I leave you alone for a night and you take all the good drugs and booze without me. Ilnazhad and STM, I don't know what you are taking but sign me up for some.
JuJU, ferrets will work but you are going to need to tape like 30 of them together to form a mega-ferret to get the job done. Don't worry though, I have a dingo contact that can supply us with all we will need.
Keebs: are you talking about the fabled ferret-king? Egads man, that is inhumane!
KK and JuJu, I think, technically, they have to be cock ferrets to be effective. It's a very special breed, and hard to find in most places, but they are actually quite common in the LA area, so you should be in luck!
You must look to the scriptures, Lisa. The Ferret King may be our only hope. Plus, he's not so bad once you get to know him. He strives to put right what once went wrong, hoping each leap will be the leap home.
I think we'll need to spend time training the ferrets before hand. We can't trust they'll just be angry when we drop them. Sure they may be a little wiley after being duck taped together. But they'll need to be in a serious rage. I say we throw them in a bunch of bags and play Heidi Montaug and Hayden what's her faces music on a loop.
We should also put in a special request they find those 3 and give them a good cock ferreting. They'll never see it coming. And throw Paris on that list too. SHe'll think it's so cute with it's 3 heads and try to take it home. Surprise, bitch, that's not hot.
Helen Skor-
Thank you.
KEEBLER!
"You must look to the scriptures, Lisa. The Ferret King may be our only hope. Plus, he’s not so bad once you get to know him. He strives to put right what once went wrong, hoping each leap will be the leap home."
I LOVE IT!!!! Plus I've been quoting the leap home thing all week - weird, huh? - but the scriptures thing was my favorite part.
at first i thought it was a veiled battlestar galactica reference, but then i realized it was a veiled quantum leap reference, and then i realized that despite never having watched a full episode of star trek, i'm still a nerd.
Ok, so who is ilnaz sucking off over at Mollygood headquarters?
I live to serve :)