The missives contained in Mollygood’s comments sections run the gamut from funny to enlightening to choleric to unreadable, but rarely are they boring and even rarer (thankfully) are they peppered with “OMG she is hottttttttt!” or “z”s in the place of “s”s. Since the swift death of Mollygood, Bad and Poetic, the best of these bon mots have gone relatively unnoticed. The Commies will change all that. Each week, the very best will be highlighted here for greater public consumption and, of course, judgment.

Best (and longest) Commie acceptance speech of all time: Keeblerkahn

I humbly accept my Commie and would like to dedicate it to Mrs. Goldblatts. Old lady Blatts as she was known to the neighborhood kids hated children and could often be heard screaming at anyone under four feet tall to 'get off her lawn' even when we were playing in our own lawns. On several occasions old lady Baltts called the cops on Jack Davenport because 'kids ain't a supposed to drive cars'. Mr. Davenport was actually a 37-year-old midget who worked at the hospital and unfortunately when bundled up in a winter coat looked like a fat third grader.

It was in the winter of 1983 when we the children of Henry Street turned the tables on old lady Blatts. One of the kids from her church learned that she was deathly afraid of snowmen, or the devils minions as she called them.

I'm not proud of what we did to Mrs. Goldblatts that winter, but as God is my witness she had it coming. It started off innocent enough with one snowman facing her front window. We put it up when she was watching her stories and too busy to yell at anyone. When she came out to get her mail she let out a scream and slammed the door. The next day when we got back from school the head of the snowman had been knocked off. Mr. Davenport told us that she had charged the snowman with a broom and decapitated it all the while screaming the Lords prayer.

From there we stepped up snowman production. After a few kids got caught putting them in her yard we had to start pulling night missions. One night I found her car unlocked so I put a snowman in the backseat holding a tire iron, after that old lady Blatts never drove her car again. By mid-December she would wake to two or three snowmen peering in her windows every morning.

Our most daring plan would require help and Mr. Davenport was all to eager to get in on the action. One night with the use of his ladder we placed three snowmen on the roof of her porch. It took some work to get them to stand up because the roof was on an angle. They were peering over the edge and from the ground they look like they were about to spring down. Then we went around the house and removed all the other snowmen. The next day when she saw the devils minions had left she came out onto the porch and slammed the door as she went for her mail.

I watch what happened next from the warmth of my bedroom with a few friends. Some of us watched in silence, others clapped their hands and giggled maniacally, I’m not comfortable saying which group I fell in to. You see when she slammed the door the snowmen started sliding toward the edge of the roof. Old lady Blatts had just reached her mailbox when the snowmen started to tip over the edge, she had just enough time to look up and see them coming before she was pinned under them. After a few minutes she freed herself and rushed inside. Twenty minutes later a taxi arrived and she rushed out of her house with her cat under one arm and a suitcase in the other.

I found out later that she went to her church and demanded sanctuary. She refused to go back to her house and later that week left to go live with her son in New Mexico. Her house stayed empty until spring when all the snow was gone. She came back to pack up her belongings, and put the house up for sale before returning to New Mexico and swearing to never step foot in a state with snow again.

This Commie is for you Mrs. Goldblatts, sorry we made you think the devil was coming to steal your soul.

Sorry for the long dedication this week, I just felt it was time to get it off my chest.

Most intelligent train of thought: Lisa(#105)

Well, I think that most middle-aged people from S. Dakota are voting for McCain because he is the older, whiter candidate. Also, they are uninformed about basic issues, such as the candidate's religions.

Also, most men from Montana are voting for McCain because they think Palin is cute. They are uninformed about the issues because they are too busy looking after their wives.

Not everything can be documented as fact, y'all! I can't go poll everyone, so I am using "common sense" and gut feelings about this.

Hungriest: DR. ABBY RHODES

RaveON is a fat ass.
I can see cheeseburger grease extruding from her pores on her nose, never mind the eyebrows.
Put the donut flavored chicken wings down girl. And grab an Alli pill or 300.
YOU ARE A SIZE 18, ACC-EPT IT

Biggest expert on religious bears: silent noodles

Black Muslin bears are the worst, always praying in your lawn, trying to teach you the word of the Koran.

Most in touch with Middle Amerka: killorn

20 MIDDLE AMERKA MAN RULES

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman and black people but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. SHARPENING A PENCIL - Blunt, is it? Hand it here woman. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife.

4. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of warm Bud in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hardcore.

5. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the garage, solely to stir paint with.

6. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

7. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When chicks party, they just puke. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" DUH LOOK AT MY JOWL.

8. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a cigarette? Perfection.

9. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue. Pass the pork scratchings.

10. CARVING THE MEAT - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the bros and "do you want stuffing?" to the broads. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

11. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Always.

12. TESTIN' SHIT OUT AT HOME DEPOT - Ideally, DIY stores would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any tool. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

13. TAKING OUT 200 DOLLARS FROM THE ATM - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later in front of the Target cashier.

14. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike chicks, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Yep. My garage it is then. Seven. See ya."

15. PARALLEL PARKING - Jam it straight in. First time. Can Earnhardt do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

16. HAVING EARNED THAT MGD - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a frosty tallboy. Aaaah.

17. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? RETARD".

18. TAKING THE SPORTS SECTION INTO THE CAN - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

19. KILLIN' BEARS AN STUFF - If God didn't want us to kill them, he a) wouldn't have made them out of food and b) wouldn't have invented Wal-Mart and it's glorious gun department.

20. FEELINGS - Our inalienable right to protect them with violence. Let your woman buy you a mood ring. When a man is happy, it's blue. When a man is angry, there'll be a big red mark on your forehead. Ahh yeah.

Most in tune with FOX News: ChoniBaretz

Fax News:
"Obama's Ellen Show dance fuels speculation that he is about to become a lesbian"

The newest prophet: Keeblerkahn

How has no one built a religion around this man? He can turn wine into piss and nachos into puke.

I shall start his Bible.

In the beginning there was Gary and He was gnarly good.

Gary looked out over his people and spoke. A turtle bit my nut sack last night. Ain't that a bitch.

Anybody see my pants? My junk is getting cold.

The word of Gary be with you.