Rarely do I miss having cable television. Every time I fly JetBlue and see that MTV has devolved into a trendy succession of shouting matches, I'm reminded of exactly why I don't mind not being able to see it at will. And though Shark Week and Planet Earth are tough to go without, the advent of DVDs and YouTube have softened that blow. However, occasionally a show will come along that makes me seriously reconsider my decision to not have cable, even if only for the duration of its season. The Pick Up Artist might very well be my biggest no-cable regret ever, as not being able to fully immerse myself in its atrocious filth makes me feel as if I might be missing out on a cultural flashpoint. This VH1 piece of magical condescension intends to take a dozen or so kind and decent men and turn them into obnoxious "playas," all with the help of a fuzzy-hatted, ponytailed dipshit named—no way!—"Mystery." (You read that correctly.) With the aid of two former students, J-Dog and Matador, Mystery promises to groom and coach the lovable losers into dashing lady-killers. According to the clip above, this means getting them out of their old clothes, waxing their eyebrows and convincing them that the men they were before Mystery was meaningless. Oh, and crushed velvet, lots of crushed velvet.
VH1 airs episode one of the program again this evening. While my favorite line thus far ("I'll personally be embarrassed if you guys don't start making out with girls!") doesn't look to be part of tonight's episode, be sure to tune in and listen closely, as I'm sure every episode is a fertile valley from which to harvest quotes to make fun of douchebags.
PS Fuck Mystery, J-Dog and Matador. Any woman who would "really connect" with a guy in airplane goggles who calls himself a noun/adjective isn't a woman worth learning how to pick up. I just wish the poor bastards populating the contestant pool had been found by a smidgen of confidence before being hunted by greedy producers.
Another great (awful?) clip after the jump, including these words of wisdom, courtesy of Matador, "A lot of these guys look like they have a very nice-guy-type life, we need to rip that out and we need to revamp it." (Just typing that made me angrier than I've been in quite some time.)
Editor
I saw it last night, must have been a preview. I'm with you Cord. It was facinatingly disgusting.
Cord, after watching this crap, I am almost positive that this was filmed here in Austin (the "cafe" scene is none other than the infamous Spiderhouse). Rest assured - if I run into any of these guys in town, I'll make sure to capture it on video for you.
I think the mystery is how so much douche can fit into one human being. Oh and come on J Dog you are on the wrong show. He should be on project runway.
Anybody see the Cisco Adler show on VH1 last night? He was also facinatingly disgusting.
Vh1's "Rock of Love" is also atrocious filth. I feel like I lost IQ points watching it.
I've ditched cable, too. I just go to comedycentral.com to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and check out your site. That's the best entertainment I could ever get. And it's all for free.
And then I just listen to the news on the radio. Free.
Wow just what women need, a show telling men to disrespect woman while making complete asses out of themselves at the same time. Damn this makes me so mad.
I loves my cable! Mostly because of the HD channels. Cord, if you lived near me I would have invited you over for last Saturday's HD marathon of Shark Week!
Soooo, from the clips I watched, Mystery basically just acts like a girl - telling them to buy him drinks and stuff. I mean, he could almost be my new gay boyfriend, except for the atrocious fashion sense. It is like Tommy Lee in 1997.
Every great person has a horde of 'douche bags' who are jealous and make up shit about him.
'The taller poppies are the ones to get cut.'
(Sumthin like that.)
Anyway Mystery is fuckin awesum and has more balls than all of you people put together. Because of this fact he is smooth and leads a great life, and makes people like you who no f all about him to be jealous of him.
Your just small minded.
It disrespects women. You dont know what your talking about. Stop complaining bitches.
Love
james09 says:
Every great person has a horde of ‘douche bags’ who are jealous and make up shit about him.
‘The taller poppies are the ones to get cut.’
(Sumthin like that.)
Anyway Mystery is fuckin awesum and has more balls than all of you people put together. Because of this fact he is smooth and leads a great life, and makes people like you who no f all about him to be jealous of him.
Your just small minded.
It disrespects women. You don't know what your talking about. Stop complaining bitches.
Love
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I'm guessing you are a "mystery" wannabe (SO douche baggy to have a gay nickname like that)seeing as how you probably think he's better than actual women and want his sweat on you instead of an actual woman. I'm sure you want your fudge packed din by him, ok that's fine, but to say people who wrote on here have no balls!? I hope so seeing as their women and even say hey wouldn't go for him!!
and how are we small minded about this?
this doesn't even fit into my mind whether big or small because that would mean i would need a new one.
i even regret looking on here but had no idea what it was because i don't have cable either.
and anyone who spells awesome "awesum" is either an 11 year old by AIM-ing it up or a 20 something living in his parents basement who wanks off to "mystery"…I'm hoping your the first one.
then you go on to say we're disrespecting women (which we are by the way so I don't know why we would disrespect ourselves) then a sentence later call us bitches. wow you really like the taste of your own foot in your mouth.
and somehow we're the douche bags in this fucked up equation??
why would we be jealous about a guy picking us up??
hhmm…… maybe you are mystery or one of his late 90's tommy lee wannabe/nail painting/costume hat i wore when i was 10 for Halloween wearing/getting your eyebrows shaped and plucked AND funny highlights in patterns having/ associates.
i hope you get paid alot for saying these things.