Oprah's Tom Cruise interview is still happening at this very moment, and it's like watching an uncomfortable episode of The Office, except it's real and there's no laughter.
More updated notes from Whitney's couch (no jumping Toms allowed), after the jump.
The first 10 minutes were the most awkward moments I have ever witnessed on television, what with Tom politely showing Oprah around the house while Katie insisted on saying "I love you" 50 times with no response. The first segment of the interview went to break with Oprah declaring she had to pee. And it goes downhill from there.
CUPCAKES! Katie loves cupcakes and makes sure the house is always stocked with them. Oh, Tomkat. You know the way to my heart.
Back to the interview: Tom doesn't say much of interest: He feels bad about the Matt Lauer incident, he doesn't want to push Scientology on anyone, and he would probably not jump on Oprah's couch if he had it to do over again.
When talk turns to Suri, he seems to become a little more genuine. For the record, I never thought Suri was an alien and they were hiding her from the world. He explains that he and Katie bought their own ultrasound because they wanted a doctor to come to their house in order to keep that information private — Katie didn't want pictures of her unborn baby floating around on the Internet. Fair enough. He said he was hurt when people insinuated that Suri wasn't his child. And he talks about his other adopted children with Nicole Kidman with as much love as he has for his own daughter, which is nice.
Tom dressed up as Santa Claus for Christmas last year, and he shows off a picture of him in his Santa outfit, designed by Katie herself. I honestly had no idea Scientologists celebrated Christmas, but he also mentions that he believes in God. How does that work, exactly? No judgment, just straight confusion.
He says he was nervous to give interviews for a while, but he has finally learned to let things to and be comfortable in his skin. Why does he seem like he's been taking handfuls of sedatives? It's like watching Katie Holmes in male form.
For the grand finale, Tom takes Oprah up to the top of some mountain so she can look at the beautiful view. Oprah says she wishes him peace, which makes me want to punch her in the face.
Editor
I can't believe I shut off Trading Places for this. There's no going back now! Thanks a lot, Cord/Whitney!
Oprah looks fat (again). Has she been this way for awhile? Fatty.
Seeing "fatty" as it's own sentence REALLY makes me laugh. And I don't know why. (And not because it was said about Oprah. I mean just seeing "Fatty." is funny. I am going to start tagging my hood with that.)
A teary Oprah just said to Tom: "I wish you the peace that this mountain can bring."
I know I got teary, too, seeing how a rich asshole can buy up a big tract of nature as his own personal playground. How nice.
whitney you are my new hero! not many people will openly & willingly admit they want to punch oprah in the face, besides me, which inevitably causes awkward silences when they realize that i kinda mean it. cheers!
The God/Scientology/Christmas thing totally confuses me too, Whitney.
I feel this is an appropriate time for a "wtf?".
You know, there's no canned laughter in Ricky Gervais' British version of The Office. Dare I say, "Damn you Americans, ruining perfectly good series and movies"?
*hides behind mommy*
There's no laugh track or anything on the American version of The Office either.
Does Katie just like to look at the cupcakes, cause she doesn't eat them. I'm sure Oprah appreciated it!
Katie Holmes has exactly the same mannerisms as Tom when she speaks. She tilts her head like him, the quick downward glance, the nods, the pauses, the fake earnest statements…it's so weird. Maybe he's the only other adult she spends time with.
Scientologists will tell you that people of all religions can practice Scientology. The truth is, they don't care what the hell you believe as long as you hand over your money. They used to preach about "curing" homosexuality until that wasn't popular anymore. Now, the openly accept homosexual('s money), or at least they say so during the recruiting process.
It most certainly deserves a "wtf".