I know that you all have been on the edge of your seats wondering whether Kevin Federline was able to save the ailing penny yesterday afternoon. No word on that, but at the very least he gave any kids in attendance American history-related nightmares by donning an Abe Lincoln mask at the event. He also invited everyone to text him for a penny (well, only if you're on Virgin, right? And no one is, so I assume standard text messaging rates apply) at his "personal" phone number, pictured on the side. Federline himself sent the first penny text to none other than Britney. Or so he said. The Daily Dish reports:

Then he sent the first 1-cent text, claiming it went to "my wife." Mugging for the cameras, Federline held up a penny and slipped it in the armored vehicle's donation slot. Then K-Fed took a cigarette break, wiping his hand on his pants before doing a few television interviews.

"I just gave all my pennies to charity!" he bragged to one TV outlet. To another, he said: "A bunch of charities get these children off the streets - build a better life, build a better future, for these children." And to another: "There's thousands of kids out here that have nowhere to go." He admitted to "Access Hollywood's" Tim Vincent: "It's my first time doing a charity."

His idiocy is astounding. And how did Federline celebrate his "first time doing a charity?" By giving his extra cash to a half-naked woman, obviously:

A block into the ride, the SUV rear-ended a pedicab, prompting a curse-fest between the pedicab driver and one of Federline's guards.

At which point the Naked Cowgirl - a pastie-wearing, guitar-strumming Louisa Holmlund - toplessly approached the vehicle. A rear tinted window rolled halfway down, and a hand came out to give her two $1 bills.

Oh, brilliant. Just think, Kevin. That could have been 200 text messages to Britney telling her how much you love her, or to wire you more cash, either way.

[Source]