In the wake of every celebrity tragedy there first comes the initial media firestorm; calls are made, headlines are punctuated by exclamation points and, oftentimes, inquiries are easily shattered under the weight of a simple "No comment." Next comes the speculation conjured by the silence. Because said celebrity is unwilling – or unable – to speak, "experts" of every stripe will be paraded out to offer their takes on the goings-on. (In the case of Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, expect this by tonight.) Testimony and conjecture will clog the news and last for as long as the star chooses to remain mum, at which point comes the final media step in the celebrity tragedy: The battle for the big, explanatory interview. Similar to the original news feed feeding frenzy, this is the race to get a personality face to face with the person closest to the major event, hopefully for an interview filled with weepy revelations and childhood trauma. It's all vicious and it's most definitely all predictable.

Knowing that, who's it gonna be this time around? Who do you think is going to get the "get" and be the first to ask, "Were you distraught over Kate, Owen?" The three most obvious choices are above, though I wouldn't be quick to exclude outliers like Oprah (if Wilson was black she'd be the odds-on favorite). Montel Williams pays out 8,000 to one.