Michael Jackson, 49, … is working on a new clothing line with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. 'It's still in the developing stages, but it's going to be big,' an insider tells Life & Style. 'This will be a major comeback for Michael.'"
The above is a lie, and it's one we've heard before. By our calculations, ever since the release of his last reasonably solid record, 1991's Dangerous, which moved over 14 million copies, Michael Jackson has been on the verge of a comeback 237,000 times; each one ushered in with all the theatrics of "Thriller" before sputtering out as quietly and wimpily as "The Girl Is Mine."
It's about time everyone quit kidding themselves. As lifelong MJ fans, it pains us to say it, but his chances of staging an authentic comeback are as good as his chances of beating Michael Jordan in that one-on-one game. "Why?" you ask. Let us count the ways…
1. Where's Quincy? - "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough," "Rock with You," "Bad," "Smooth Criminal," "Thriller," "Beat It," "Billie Jean." Ever heard of those songs? Of course you have, and that's thanks to one man: Quincy Jones. Without a doubt, Michael Jackson is an inimitably talented performer with a distinct vocal style, but his intimidating stable of hits is due in large part to the genius of Q, his longtime superproducer. Once Jones left the picture – after 1987's Bad – Jackson's music got noticeably worse. Sure, "Black and White" was a hit, but will anyone really argue that that song's musicality is anywhere near "PYT"'s? (Rumor is that will.i.am is producing Michael's next album. Whatever. Quincy.he.is.not.)
2. The guy hemorrhages money - While nobody's certain if "Wacko Jacko" really tried to buy the bones of the Elephant Man, it's a matter of public record that over the years he's purchased a zoo, an amusement park, a ridiculous home, monkey friends, several cars, an allegedly molested child's silence and multiple cosmetic surgeries. Not surprisingly, in February of this year, the King of Pop almost lost his 2,500 acre Neverland Ranch after falling into default on the $25 million owed on the playland. He ultimately straightened things out and was able to keep the property, but someone whose career earnings are estimated at $500 million shouldn't be stressing about such things. Real comebacks require real capital, and we're not so sure Jackson's got that anymore.
3. He's nuts - Oh yeah: Michael Jackson's batshit insane! It's not like it's his fault – his greedy father physically and emotionally abused him and his brothers for years – but Jackson's trauma has plagued him for years, and it seems to just be getting worse. There's no way someone as mentally fragile as him can handle the kind of worldwide tour required to make a comeback.
4. Nobody's going to insure him - See #3 for why it will be practically impossible to get an insurance company to bond a Michael Jackson tour. Example conversation: "Wait, wait, wait, wait: He says the sunshine in London isn't playful enough?"
5. He don't got it no more - MJ's 49 and ostensibly malnourished. Recording and supporting a huge comeback record is physically laborious. Ever seen a 50-year-old moonwalk? We rest our case.
6. Most of his fan base has outgrown him - The most rabid Michael Jackson fans will buy anything he puts out until the day he dies. Lucky for him, that means that even completely phoned-in garbage like 1997's Blood on the Dance Floor, a remix album, will sell six million copies and become the hugest remix album ever. However, to saner music lovers, Jackson's become little more than a punchline. To kids, he's a monster who made that cool video back in the 50s. Even if MJ's next album is the most brilliant R&B record in years, good luck getting his, um, striking visage within a million miles of MTV's TRL for some free publicity. Also, he'll never be able to shake that child molestation scandal. What cruel irony that all of his attempts to reach the young kids has ensured he'll never again reach the young kids.
So, that's that: no Michael Jackson comeback. Ever. But, if you're a true fan, don't be disappointed; hope that Michael finds the wisdom necessary to give up now. He's had a career since he was 11—he deserves a break.
Editor
Hey Cord, tell us hoe you really feel…..
Michael won't stop till he gets enough. He used to be a thriller,but now he's just bad. He really should just take his own advice and beat it, cause he's not rockin' anybody's world anymore.
the only people the kids want to rock with these days is the jonas brothers, anyway.
It's kind of weird how at the bottom of the screen there's an ad for Michael Jackson ringtones and it's his old picture. The contrast with the picture up top is pretty frightening. I guess you can buy anything with money. Including looking like a walking zombie. See, I knew that zombie shit was true.
I know this is mean, but I want to grab his nose just to see if it pops off.
I agree that Quincy is the man.
Wandell, you all right. Good job on that comment.
I am happy. Hopefully it won't belong before I don't have to see those God awful tattoo looking shirts/hats/bathing suits/hoodies any more. They are junk.
So basically, they are going to take Michael Jackson's (current) face, add some cross bones, hearts and a "catchy, deep and meaningful phrase," and screenprint it onto inferior grade clothing to sell to the mindless masses. I think this is probably his only option for a comeback, at this point.
Great post!
I agree with Angela. The Ed Hardy douchewear Audigier's responsible for is craptastic. When Papa Joe rocks it, I'd give it another year. Maximum.
BBn'B, you've summed up the whole mess quite nicely. Well played.
bedbugsandballyhoo don't forget a ridiculous amount of rhinestones, no Ed Hardy shirt is complete without some Liberace-esq amount of rhinestones.
Thanks, poo. Mr. Hardy can cut me my check now.
If I see one more Ed Hardy shirt I'm going to strangle somebody with their 100 dollar t shirt. It's a frigging t shirt that's been bedazzled with bad graffiti. I can make you guys one for half price. I'll even throw in a free douche to up the doucheiness.
Thank god I've never seen one, only heard of the madness. However, in exchange for Canada's protection from Ed Hardy, we are exposed to high levels of Canadian Tuxedo. I'll still take it.
"What cruel irony that all of his attempts to reach the young kids has ensured he’ll never again reach the young kids."
Cord Jefferson, I think I love you. ( So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.)
For reals the engagement ring is now off.
Ok not for reals, BUT that one sentence, as sick and true as it is, has made my whole workday. In fact, as an MJ fan the whole post is dead on and is as sad and depressing as it is funny and true.
Music is mostly hip hop and in that genre, it's very much "what have you done for me lately(to quote his sister)." How long has it been since Michael Jackson has had a hit record?
April, yeah, he's adept and nonpareil.
I looked up to him so much that I sent him a portrait I spent seven hours on. And I even put myself in more of a vulnerable position by saying "I want to grow up to be like you."
To be polite, he could have merely given an insincere thank you. Instead, he did not respond. And now I realize that when people called him "cocky" and "pretentious" I should not have bothered defending him.
I don't want to grow up to be like a jerk-off.
where to begin.
i think i'll start with ilnazhad and work my way back up the responses. Mike Jack is in no way "cocky" or "pretentious." If anything, he's too humble and naive for his own good. Any image of bravado that has been portrayed by him is due to either his record label or the people he use to surround himself with. I've met him on a few occasions and been around him a lot, and i've seen many examples of his kind, sincere heart. This is a guy who's been fucked over far too much in life. So for the last decade or so, he's maybe come across as stone faced and cold with his outer appearance, but he's trusted people too easily in the past and it's hurt him deeply. He may have simply never seen the portrait you sent him. There have been times when someone is trying to shove a poster in the window of his ride when he's at a red light, and if the driver starts to take off before he got it, i've heard him yell for the car to be stopped so he can reach out the window and grab the poster.
As for Mike not being able to come back musically… are you joking?? Why is it that everyone from Chris Brown to Ne-Yo to Usher to Timberlake have been biting his style for their entire careers. All he would have to do is come back and be himself & people would eat it up.
Quincy Jones is a 75 year old man. Don't think for a minute that as talented as he is, he would be the answer to MJ's music problems. Have you all forgotton "Back on the block"? Q's 1989 album. I personally am GLAD that Mike chose to go in another directing as far as producer's are concerned.
The Ed Hardy shit, is probably just that, shit. go to donedhardy.com and look at all the celeb pictures on there. That fool will attach himself to anyone hot, and he probably just think's he can make a buck using Mike's name selling the stuff in Vegas.
As for Mike's "look", i chalk that up to bad advice at an early age & bad encouragement through his 20's. His first nose job was back in 1977/8, think of the technology back then. His vitiligo started in the early-mid 80's and for whatever reason he was encouraged to hide it. In hindsight, this was obviously not a smart move since most people don't believe him when he says he suffers from it.
Moneywise, he's safe. His name is on half of one of the largest publishing catalog's in the world. He may not be "liquid" but at some point, he will either sell the catalog & have no debt whatsoever or be rolling in cash.
I know some of you all are going to have biting responses to what i've written. But i feel i need to defend a guy who doesn't get defended very often. People for far too long have believed the bullshit that the media (mainstream & tabloid) have written about Mike.
Reading comprehension skills have really taken a dive lately.
Ooops, sorry! Bryan, I was referring to Cord.
Those artists like to copy his style for what he's done in the past. And it was pretty kick ass. I still have many of his older songs on my mp3. Older songs, nothing new.
hey cord, and all you other deniers.
you forgot the #1 reason michael wacko jackson will never have a comeback:
99% of America know he really is a pedophile child molestor.
denial ain't just a river in egypt, you know.
And America is all that counts in the entire world. You're exactly right. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt…
umm denial.. ill repeat my favorite line: What cruel irony that all of his attempts to reach the young kids has ensured he’ll never again reach the young kids.
can you read, or do you choose not too?