You could carry a couple small children in that bag. Maybe she's preparing for carrying around something that weighs almost as much as she does. You know, pre-pregnancy.

That's one classy bitch.

Those itty-bitty legs cannot possibly hold anything up.

She must wear the heavy shoes to anchor herself so she doesn't blow away

She'll get tips from Vickie for holding children with ridiculously thin legs.

That's how you let everyone know your classy. Gold shoes, bitches.

This girl will NEVER put the baby first.

She would never touch HKS.

FIRST! bitches!!!

That's not a purse, that's the baby-carrier. She's just preparing.

Man… it's hard not just leaving the baby in the car.

Your not supposed to leave them in the car? Shit, I'll be right back.

I cracked the window and left her with a cigarette and some Red Bull. She's not alone.

Oooh, Kitchy, are you whitening her teeth though? When I give my little one one of momma's lollipops, I put the whitestrips on while she smokes it, so it doesn't stain the teeth.

Not until tonight. If I put the Whitestrips on then chase them with Red Bull, they turn a nasty tomato color.

That's true. Babies love that Red Bull. Every time I drink a Red Bull, my baby just cries and grabs at it, so I have to hand her off to the coat check girl.

Damn baby ate all my xanax. Now what will I take with my frozen margarita?

Demerol.

I have some leftover qualude pancakes, if you want them. But that's like, a meal.

Maybe we could make quaalude pastries.

mmmm! A qualude and xanax crumble?

We can't, juju's greedy kid ate all the Xanax.

Aw crap. Princess Jaanaamisellamiatinaette is going to be so upset. It's her favorite.

Sorry guys. This baby is just so selfish. Selfish little mistake.

It's okay juju. Mine's selfish too. Always crying for its soother back… it's like, what do you want me to do about it, whiny baby?

Mine looks a little pale. A spray tan is safe, right?

Honestly, I don't know, Kitchy. I just bring mine down to the tanning salon and ask for "The Lohan". That lasts at least a good few days until I need to do it again.

My baby squirms and gets all streaky. I just put my baby in the tanning bed.

That's a good idea, juju. I mean, that's the exact same thing as what they do at the hospital for jaundice, right? So it has to be safe.

Plus they can wear shorts without being embarrased at how untan their legs are.

Your baby has clothes? I just wrap mine in Cheetos bags.

You know, the orange residue in Cheeto bags could also serve as self-tanner.

And breathing cheeto residue is just as good as feeding them.

It would if the dog didn't keep licking it off. But that's okay. It just means less baths to give, in the end.

My dog just stole my x. I just can't catch a break here.

My dogs changes diapers.

Or that may be just a vision I had on the 'ludes.

Just take some downers and you'll be fine. Too bad my fetus stole all of mine. Don't trust a zygote.

I kid, I have no fetus. I'm done with my junk so I'm removing it all in hopes of having a flat belly. I'd rater be dead than bloated.

I love how everything comes together.

It's the cirle of snark.

I hope Elton John makes a musical about it.

And it moves us allllll….

I hope it does't move my bowels. I can't fart for 8 more days.

I don't know… the circle of snark is a powerful laxative.

Does Tom-Ba corp make butt plugs?

Yes, but you can only buy them in a package with the wrestling suit.

It's a small price to pay to keep my job.

Just fart.

I'll be locked in the well and given the hose. I hate that.

Just put the lotion on your skin.

I do this when I'm told.

I farted at work today, but luckily my boss left his skin cape at home.

Who knew, my keeper has a blog.

http://www.pamie.com/butterfly/

You're lucky. Mine left his skin cape at home, but he walked around the office for an hour with his penis tucked between his legs and muttering "You wanna fuck me?"

Sounds like someones boss got into my hydrocodone pills. People, I'm going to start locking up my stash.

Aw Kitch. That's awkward. Mine did that last week. I said no, but he kept saying "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard."
Awkwarrrd!

At least your boss doesn't keep coming around checking to see if he can pinch more than an inch. How many times do I have to tell him that he can not make a poncho out of me? I hate ponchos.

I know. At least make me into a nice pashmina, or a Balenciaga by balenciaga for balenciaga in balenciaga purse.

Alright, time to go get my entourage and crap talk the bouncer at Les Deux.
Cootaloo!

Alrighty you old rags. I'm going to dive into my yummy qualude pancakes.

Coot ya later.

Hot damn it, I haven't laughed so hard at you bitches in I don't know how long.